I lied...

not purposely or anything. But it looks as if my 2 dates has become ZERO dates. :-( And I'm not even sure why.

Saturday night=Date night

I went on a date last night. It was a first date with a guy I met on Match. He definitely seems to be my "type" or at least what I tend to find attractive in a man. He is clean-cut looking with a little edge to him. By this, I mean he has tattoos. They aren't obvious tattoos. He hides them, like I do. For some reason, I have a thing for nice guys with a little "bad boy" hidden inside them.

Anyway, we met up at a sports bar for dinner, drinks, and college football. This also makes me a happy girl! He is about fours my junior, which isn't so bad. He is professionally employed and pretty intelligent, with a great sense of humor. We've made plans to see one another next weekend. We've been talking haunted houses and/or roller coasters! Hells yeah! :)

Oh yeah, FWB has been texting again. And yes, I respond but take any and every thing he says with a grain of salt. When he found out I was thinking about getting a roommate, he offered to move in with me. Uh yeah, sure...right, like that will ever happen.

Sometimes Good People Have Sad Lives

Amongst de-junking my apartment, setting up my massage table, consulting with my best friend about her issues with her son's school system, and talking for an hour with my grandmother, I've been watching Brothers & Sisters on Netflix today. In the last episode I watched, Justin was feeling down because he was turning 30 and he was alone. His brother, Kevin, told him, "Sometimes good people have sad lives, but you aren't one of them." I think I may be one of them.

Every man I meet is totally wrong for me. Okay...maybe not every ONE, although I have met some doozies in my dating career! But I tend to mess up the decent ones with my insecurities. I think I have abandonment issues (thanks dad), so with my "witty sarcasm" I manage to push away any man that may have potential. I lash out with accusatory remarks when I feel like someone is "abandoning" me again. Of course, that just pushes people away more. This only happens with men...not girlfriends, family, or coworkers. Maybe I'm so jaded that I just can't believe that the "real thing" exists for me. I know so few TRULY HAPPY couples that it seems futile sometimes, even though I'm about as lonely as one can get. I have trust issues after being lied to time and time again. I am trying to keep my heart open and my feelings honest (sometimes too honest). Just some food for thought. I've been living in my head after watching too much Brothers & Sisters.

And then after all this thought, I read this quote somewhere: “Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”- unknown This is so, so true of me.

Sad Face

Ex-Coworker didn't make it to visit this past weekend, due to both of our schedules. He had to attend a wedding Saturday, so he wouldn't have gotten to my place until the wee hours of the morning Sunday. I had to get up and go to a Sunday lunch for my gay who is moving away this week. That was an all afternoon affair. Ex-Coworker and I decided it would be best if he plan a weekend just for us, so we can actually spend time together and talk to see what may be between us. When that weekend will be I'm not sure. Hopefully soon...

I got another bite on POF, but he doesn't seem real smart. He is a cutie though. We have spoken on the phone and sent texts over the last few days. We have yet to meet. When I mentioned meeting up tonight, he seemed bothered by the fact that I was only willing to give him a couple of hours. He called me "one of those". He said he doesn't understand the point of the "coffee date". He said that every women he met lately suggested that. I explained that the women wanted to just do a short meet and greet, so that they could get a feel for him without being stuck in a bad date all night. He then told me that if he can have a decent conversation on the phone with someone that he knew he would enjoy a "real date" with them. Needy much? Henceforth, he will be called "Needy".

Here an ex, there an ex, everywhere an ex

So I finally received a text from FWB yesterday. He told me that he was serious about wanting to actually pursue something more with me. Then, of course, he disappeared after a couple text exchanges. So there are still no answers. I won't believe crap from him until he actually acts on it. If he really wanted more, he would like maybe ask me out or something?! Silly little boys...

Ex-Coworker is scheduled to hit town in the next few days. Again, this is something I will believe when I see it. In the meantime, Old Friend continues to text. He has found yet another part-time gig where he currently lives. He says he has a few irons in the fire in my city. He hopes to be back here working and in school within the next couple of months. Again...silly little boys...

Yo, actions speak so much louder than words! Yeah, it's a cliche, but a very true one!

More Pity Please?

So I was looking at my label list, which includes all the men I've mentioned in this blog. Of those men, most have moved on while I've been stuck in Singleland. Check out this list, alphabetically of course:*

Doc- He is now engaged to a woman who doesn't live too far from me. I'm not quite sure when the wedding will take place.

Ex-Coworker- He is now in a serious relationship.

FWB- Also in a relationship. I found out that he and his girlfriend had a baby who died at birth a little over a year ago.

KH- In a serious relationship...complete with cute little pics all over Facebook.

MatchMan- In a serious relationship...

PoPo- Serious relationship...possibly married

Teacher Man- He is engaged and the wedding is scheduled to take place in a couple weeks.

young coworker- Got married last November.

So there you have it...maybe it wasn't them, but me.

* Most of the below information was gained via Facebook stalking. Don't judge me!

To Coach or Not to Coach?

Coach finally called me yesterday afternoon. Of course, it took a goodbye text from me to get that. My text said, "I'm throwing in the towel. I've read He's Just Not That Into You...lol. And obviously, you're not anymore!"

When he called, he tried to explain that he is indeed interested, but his schedule this summer was much worse and crazier than ever. He also explained that he is having a few financial difficulties, so he has been more stressed out than he has been in a while. He asked me if we could continue to talk and get to know one another. I'm not sure if this would be a waste of my time or not.

PMS Blues

This week, the main staple of my diet has been ice cream, followed closely by Jack Daniels and wine. Healthy, right? I'm blaming it on my hormones. Stupid stupid PMS. I've been a sad excuse of a human this weekend...gluttonous I've been. Pity party all around! In addition, I'm coming off a dating high from last week.

Remember last week? It seems so long ago. Unlike last week, this week has been dateless, unless you count last Saturday when Stalker came over to watch a DVD and Tuesday when he came over for a little bon voyage nookie before he took off to LA for the rest of the week to visit his old college buddy. That is it...seems so boring (not that Stalker nookie is ever boring) after my whirlwind of dates last week.

As for Coach, still no phone call. On Monday, he sent a text telling me that I may expect a bit much from him right now. I was confused, because the last I'd heard is that he was planning to make more time for "us". So I asked him what he meant, as all I've asked of him is communication...no pressure for time. He then responded with "I guess you're right...sorry." When I asked what exactly he was sorry for, he said "not communicating more", to which I said, "There's only one way to correct that!" That was Wednesday. Fast forward to Friday morning, I sent a text telling him good morning in a last ditch effort. Four hours later, he finally responded with "Hey! I hope you are enjoying your down time." Brush off much?? I still tried to stay chipper and told him I was having a girls afternoon including pedis and a movie. *chirp...chirp* And then there was nothing...hint taken. I'm not exactly sure where this possible relationship went south. We were communicating daily for over a month, and our last date went well. Sigh...

In addition to my pity party, I noticed today that MatchMan had deleted me from his Facebook friends. I also noticed he is now in a relationship. I don't know why that bothered me, but it did. It isn't that I want him back, but maybe because it shows that he has moved forward in life, and I'm still spinning my wheels.

In sickness and in health...

The Barber and I dated about 5 or so years ago for a few months. It didn't really end too well. We had different interests. I was interested in pursuing my hobbies, such as writing, photography, etc. He was interested in pursuing other women. He was a nice guy...too nice actually so he was always naive to some other women's motives. The Barber soon ended up becoming a daddy not long after we broke it off. I've spoken to him once or twice since then; the last time being about year and a half ago.

I was sitting in a faculty meeting a few weeks ago and received a text from a strange number asking if I was married yet or dating anyone seriously. When I asked who it was, it turned out to be The Barber. The Barber proceeded to tell me that he misses me and knows that we are meant to be together. He told me how much he had grown up and that he wants me to be his wife one day. I found this amusing and intriguing so I agreed to a meeting. We've since gone out a couple times; both of which he was at least 45 minutes late (due to helping some friend/family member out...remember that is the curse of the TOO NICE guy!). We text and/or talk everyday.

This week I've come down with a respiratory virus of some sort. Yet all he could do is complain that I haven't called him all week...that all we've done is text. I kept waiting for him to do the "boyfriend thing" and offer to bring me anything I might need or help me with anything I might need help with. Is that wrong?? Of course, he hasn't. Yesterday, I sent a silly text asking The Barber what was going on in the outside world where the healthy people roam. This fool started telling me what the weather was like! Duh! I've had to take my dog out; I'm well aware of the weather. Then this morning I sent a text saying how draining it was to grocery shop while this sick. He responded four hours later telling me not to over do it. I got snippy and said, "Well,my dog can't do it!" He just LOL'ed me and told me he doesn't want to catch what I have. Pfft...

Funny though...Stalker (yes, we speak occasionally, but nothing new) actually offered to be my errand boy as soon as I told him I was still sick. Something wrong with this picture, or is it just me?

I think I need a more assertive, yet nurturing, man than The Barber. I can't be in a relationship where I have to tell the man how to be in one.

POS Man 1

So I joined POF around the Christmas holidays. I got many responses, but only a couple stood out. One was a man around my age with a good job and no kids (woo hoo!). We chatted on POF for a week or so and then moved it to text messaging. He was funny, and we had quite a few common interests. We finally made a lunch date for the afternoon of New Year's Eve. In person, he was very quiet and seemed a bit shy. I found him to be attractive, even though he was only an inch or so taller than I am. He wasn't drop dead gorgeous, but not too hard on the eyes. Because POS1 was so shy, I had no way of knowing if he was interested or found me attractive. We ate lunch and talked for a while, making the date last a couple hours. I drove away from the restaurant puzzled. Later that evening, he sent a text about his iPod (a reference to our earlier conversation). So that meant he was interested, right?

He eventually asked me out again for the next week. We went bowling. By the way, he had NEVER at this point actually DIALED my number; all communication was via text. We had a good time on the second date, and he showed signs of coming out of his shell. The date ended with a big hug in the parking lot at my car. This same pattern repeated for the next couple weeks. We met for dates two more times. We never went to one another's homes, and he never made a move on me. He did, however, pay for all outings. Never did we actually speak on the phone, but there was the occasional "How was your day?" text during the week. I was confused...really confused. I decided to go with the flow and enjoy the free meals, movies, and bowling.

On our last date (the 4th or 5th), POS1 shocked me and suggested that we hang out at his place and watch a DVD that next weekend. I figured a month into seeing someone wasn't too early, so I agreed. Of course, throughout the week, we didn't really talk. Finally on that Friday, I sent a text that said, "Woo hoo! It's the weekend!" A few hours later, he responded saying, "Thank goodness!" I then asked if we were still on for the weekend. He said, "I don't know. All I want to do right now is relax." Not fully understanding that that was code for "Shut up and leave me alone", I then sent another text stating that I was trying to plan something else with some friends for the weekend and just wanted to confirm a time with him. Heard nothing back until Saturday morning. While I was doing my weekly grocery shopping I received a scathing text that said, "Now I'm pissed. You don't know when to quit. You continued to text me after I told you I wanted to relax. This isn't going to work. You are too bossy, pushy, and clingy." Well, ain't that some shit? Eh, bossy and pushy maybe... :) Not sure how one can be clingy when we don't even SPEAK during the week!

POF or POS???

So when I decided that I wanted to try dating again at the beginning of the year, I joined Plenty of Fish. I chose this website because it's free. I thought I was ready to get back out there, but I didn't want to pay to do it! Well, maybe it is true that you get what you pay for! So far, I've had to throw all that fish I've caught right back out into the pond! :) The next couple entries (coming this weekend) will about those fish caught on Plenty of Shi...I mean Fish.

Rough Day on FB

So, I logged into FB on my laptop today, instead of my usual glance at my FB app on my BlackBerry. What's the number one story on my news feed??? The FIRST thing I see?? FWB is in a relationship. Nice...yay! Just a few weeks ago, my ex (whom I've never discussed here actually) added me as a friend there. He got married last year! Another yay! You do realize these yays are sarcastic, right? Just in case some of you are just now tuning into my blog and don't know me yet, I thought I should state the obvious (obvious, that is, if you know me).

And if that wasn't enough to make my insides turn inside out, I went to the profile of one of my "best friends" to leave a comment and found she had deleted me as a FB friend! Does that mean I'm no longer her real life friend? I know I forgot to call her back the other day, but I did text her a couple days ago to get no response. Could that cause the end of a friendship?

It all just hurt so badly...

Old Man Sweater

I met E-Harmony guy for lunch this past Sunday. He definitely did not impress me. I know I'm closer to 40 than I am to 30 now, but I generally am not attracted to men in their mid to late 40's. This guy's profile claimed that he is 45, but he looked and acted more like 55. Ugh. He was wearing an old man sweater over his pregnant belly. You know...those sweaters from the 80's with geometrical shapes all over it? Yeah...not sexy at all...and to top it all off with a pregnant belly. Yeah, you know those bellies men of a certain age develop that are hard? And they have no fat anywhere else on their bodies? Again...not sexy. So I had a nice, polite, FREE lunch Sunday. I think he knew I was disappointed, because I ended the date early and haven't heard from him since. There is a new guy I was matched with this week who looks a little more interesting. I'll keep you updated.

Sunday morning I took an EPT. I haven't mentioned this in the blog, but Stalker was convinced that he had impregnated me! He kept on about babies and superstitious ideas about men sleeping a lot when they have gotten a woman pregnant. He said he had been coming home from work and crashing only to wake up in time for work the next day. I've never heard this, but he was starting to creep me out. I decided to take a test, just to be safe. It was negative (whew!), so I texted him to let him know. This was our first contact since he left my apartment the Sunday before. You know, the Sunday he told me he would be out of town when I move? The text read a little something like this:

According to ept I'm not pregnant with your bastard child. So you don't have to worry about folks finding out about your whore on the side that way anymore.

His response?

Cool. Did you need me to have people come help you next weekend?

I won't bore with the actual details of the rest of the text convo. I'll just tell you that he doesn't understand why he is the "bad guy" in all this. He said that he offered me manpower but I refused. He couldn't understand that I didn't feel comfortable accepting help from some random strangers when he was the one who had offered to do it. He just told me that he thought I was expecting sooo much from him that I was getting hurt by my own expectations. Um, since when is expecting a friend to lend a hand when he offered expecting too much??? But really??? If I can't depend on him to show up to help out, how the hell can I depend on whatever strangers he would send to help?? And how embarrassing would that be? I just told him that I'd already hired movers, and he is more than welcome to help pay! Stalker then said he would help and asked if I would pay him back! When I told I didn't realize that he was offering a loan, he said if I needed a loan or just money not to pay back, let him know. Ugh.

So Monday and Tuesday went by without a word from Stalker. Well, Tuesday night around 10:15, I received a text from him:

Stalker: I have Xmas gifts for you...
Me: It isn't Xmas.
Stalker: In ten days...
Me: Yeah I'm aware. Thank you in advance?
Stalker: When would you like them?

As I was typing a response, he called me. We chatted about my busy week at work like nothing had ever happened. I was already in the bed and let him know this. He then said, "I guess it wouldn't be a good idea for me to stop by then?" I told him no and that I'd talk to him later. Um...I really don't know what to say about it. Guess I'll get those gifts when he returns from his trip with his sister. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention she is the reason he has to go out of town this weekend? She wanted to go with him, and that was the only weekend she could make the trip. Um...yeah.

Still breathing...barely

My, this past week has flown by. Work has been super busy (yay for standardized testing...not!). I've been trying to get ready for the move. I couldn't book the movers for next Saturday (the original move date), because they cost twice as much on the weekends. So they are coming first thing on Monday (12/21) morning. I'm going to move as much as possible in my car and my friend's husband's truck during the weekend though, because I also have to turn the keys to my current apartment in on Monday. Thanks to Stalker, I'm out almost $400 and will be busting my ass until the last minute. But anyhoo...speaking of assholes, he and I haven't spoken since he left my place after telling me he was going out of town instead of helping me move. Yeah, he offered to move me...I didn't ask. Talking about a let-down. He tried to hug me before he left last Sunday. I told him not to touch me. Oddly, it's been easier to stop speaking to him than I thought. That's probably because he not only disappointed me as a man, but as a friend. I really just want to tell him that he is a stupid and selfish LITTLE BOY! A grown man wouldn't have handled this situation by avoidance.

Hopefully, the E-Harmony guy and I will finally meet tomorrow. We have played phone tag all week and finally actually spoke last night. It was, um...awkward. He seemed preoccupied with something else, although he is the one who called me. We shall see...

MatchMan called last night also. I didn't answer. Ex-Coworker continues to text. Don't you love how they all keep coming back?

Hello, just call me Jacob!

I went to see New Moon last night, and I feel like Jacob. Used as comfort in the absence of the obsession of the object of my affection. But for some reason, I still care, even though Stalker obviously doesn't feel the same way. Unrequited love...it's a feeling that has been written about in books and portrayed on stage and in movies for years, decades, and centuries.

Friday night, Stalker texted me saying, "How bout you give me a massage?" around 11:00. I told him, "Maybe tomorrow." And he responded with "I guess I'll turn around then." I told him that that was quite presumptuous of him to think he could just pop up on a Friday night. He just said, "Ok I'll just take my drunk butt home then." I again responded with "maybe tomorrow". Saturday morning I sent a "Good morning sunshine!" text around 11:00, to which he responded "Morning" at 2:00 PM. I sent back, "LOL. A little past morning!" And then there was nothing...

Around 4:15, I sent him a text that said, "If you still want that massage, be at my place around 11:30 ;). You're gonna need it after (insert football team name) kicks that (insert Stalker's fave team) ass!" Again no response....

I went to see New Moon at 7:00, and we got out around 9:30. I then sent another text asking if his lack of response meant he wasn't coming. He told me he was watching the game with his family. Um...that didn't answer my question! Then he told me he would let me know soon. Way to keep me hanging! Finally, around midnight, he texted saying he wasn't going to make it. WTF??? Why didn't he just say no from the beginning??

I called him and lit into his ass! I think I've reached my breaking point. I care about him and would love to continue what we started. He clearly is trying to keep the door open, but he isn't willing to walk through it. I think he is afraid to feel something real and powerful, so he put on the brakes. I know he doesn't desire "her" the way he does me. Things shouldn't be so difficult. Stalker told me he wasn't sure if his feelings for me were genuine or just lust. That is why he is pushing me away...so he can see what is best for him. I think it's all bullshit. I'm a firm believer that if you are feeling it, go with it. He admitted he was denying wanting to see me and be with me purposely. Why deny what makes you happy and feel good? Feelings aren't always rational and logical. He said no other woman had gotten to him and confused him this way. I'm sorry, but the way he looks at me isn't lust. Wanting to spend time with someone just to hear their voice and see their face isn't lust. We had moved beyond the sex buddies thing and were spending QUALITY time together. Lust doesn't want quality time. Lust just wants to get off.

For you, Stalker...

My Love by Jill Scott

Jill Scott - My Love [New Video]
Uploaded by Yannicklord. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

Yo I'm trippin right?
I heard you got married.
You got married?
That don't really..
It don't really make any sense.
I mean,
it's not like I didn't think you were
seeing other people or whatever
i mean,
i was seeing other people you know what this is
you know what it was
I can't say I really understand though..


Verse 1:
You chose her cuz she's sweet as pie
take what you give even your lies,
but baby are you happy, without me?
she scrubs your back, washes your clothes,
gives you everything that you ask for..
but don't you ever want more? cuz, my love..

chorus: my love is deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher, fire..
didn't u know this? or didn't you notice?
my love is deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher, fire..
didn't u know this? or didn't you notice?

verse 2: mm.
what we had don't need no words
deeper than anything you ever heard
i ain't reachin baby, i know i should be your lady
you say you're happy,
you say you're great,
but you know and i know you really ain't
you need to come be with me
that's the way it's supposed to be..

my love is...
deeper.
sweeter.
ooh oooh ooh
my love. you know know know...
didn't you notice?

cuz all...All I ever do
is think about you baby.
I hold you in my arms, inside my dreams..
And I know what I know, and what I know is
that no matter where you go, you will always think of me, MY LOVE.

(repeat chorus throughout)
ad lib:
you know baby you know
my love is deeper
wider
didn't you notice baby?

deeper
tighter
sweeter
fire babe..


Oh well, I guess I'm off to answer messages from old short men on E-Harmony! :-)

Feed him...he will come (and cum!)

First, I want to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving! I hope you all had a better one than I did! Per usual, my family had a big argument that ruined the whole day. I hate that they upset my grandmother. But anyway...this is a dating blog.

Okay, here is a run-down of the last week or so with Stalker. Of course, last week (Tuesday 11/17), he cut off my sex intake. Wednesday night we tried to go to dinner, but I had a killer migraine, and we didn't make it very far. Actually, we argued because he tried to change our plans for that upcoming weekend. So that night was cut short. Thursday night, he came over after his softball game, and I presented him with his birthday gift. He was just excited that it was in a purple gift bag, because it's his favorite color! Funny, the things that entertain us. Inside that bag was a t-shirt for his favorite college football team, the 1st season of True Blood on DVD, and his favorite candy and gum. He then told me that those were the first and only gifts he had gotten for his birthday, with the exception of a bottle of wine when he visited the "ex". Really??? Just a bottle of wine??? Needless to say, he was thrilled and became quite affectionate. He sat right next to me on the couch, rubbing my leg and kissing my cheek. Um...confusing much? He did leave to go home after a couple hours.

Friday night, I surprised him and took him to one of his favorite sushi spots. Because he didn't know where we were going, he arrived at my place carrying three different outfits and asked me to choose. Once I chose the outfit, he stripped down in my living room to change. Really??? Did he have to wear my favorite boxer briefs and SHOW them to me? Not making this platonic thing too easy! Dinner was nice and comfortable. We were going to go for ice cream at the place next door, but the line there was out the door and down the street. We settled for Starbucks instead. Then we headed back to my place for a DVD. Once we got inside and I put my to-go box in the fridge, Stalker grabbed me as I came out of the kitchen and hugged me. He told me I had given him the best birthday ever. As he pulled away from the hug, he rubbed my hips and sides and gave me that "look"...the look I noticed when I realized we had crossed the friends with benefits line. I wasn't sure what to do, so I said, "Well, let's get this movie started!" I sat in my usual spot on the couch, but Stalker did not. He just paced around my apartment. I finally asked him if he was going to sit down. He said, "I guess so." When he did sit, he sat at the other end of the couch on the very edge of the cushion, leaning forward with his elbows on his thighs. He looked like he was getting ready to jump up and run! He sat like that for close to an hour. I kept telling him to get comfortable, even joking once saying that I wouldn't attack him if he sat back on the couch. He blamed his position on the pain in his legs from playing softball the previous two nights. I'm still not sure if he just didn't trust me or didn't trust himself. Again, the night ended with us talking/arguing about the tension, although there really was none until we got to the couch. He told me that he realized he shouldn't have been so affectionate the night before if we were trying to keep it friendly. He left around midnight.

Monday night rolls around, and I had plans to meet a girlfriend out for bowling. Since Friday night's incident I had only heard from Stalker a couple times via text. I told him that we would be bowling and let him know he was welcome to join us. Honestly, I thought he would bow out, but he popped up at the bowling alley and closed it down with us. He had never met this friend of mine before, and yet he conversed with her more than he did with me! She even noted the tension between us. He didn't look me in the eye, and he definitely wasn't his usual chipper self. After we all went our separate ways, I called him to address the issue. I mean, I'm willing to be friends, but it shouldn't be so strained. He claimed he didn't realize he had gone so far in the opposite direction of our usual "couple-y" behavior but understood where I was coming from when I gave him examples of his unusual behavior.

Tuesday, in an attempt to mend our strained friendship, I invited him to come over for dinner after work. All the food was cooked and ready for consumption when he arrived. We even cracked open a bottle of wine, and things were going smoothly. We were enjoying one another's company again! After dinner, I made my way to my spot on the couch with my wine glass in hand. He followed me with his and the bottle of wine. He sat right next to me...like closer than ever! Again...confused! He put his arm around my shoulders, thanked me for dinner, pulled me to him, and kissed me! What tha???? Make up your mind already!! I didn't make any comments. We were watching some of the first season of True Blood (I've never seen the 1st few episodes), and Stalker began rubbing his stomach...or I thought that was what he was rubbing! I asked if he was okay, and he said, "I have drunk penis". Um...what? He then explained that alcohol makes him hard. I just said, "And here I thought I made you hard." He laughed and told me, "Yeah, it's your toes in the candlelight." Then the conversation turned to the myth that alcohol makes it soft. Of course, under the influence of wine and my extreme horniness, I just had to ask if I could touch it. He told me yes, to my surprise. And that, my friends, is how we had a replay of our last sexual encounter on the couch. As I straddled him, he whined softly and feebly, "But we're not supposed to..." Neither of us stopped.

Both of us had other plans later in the night, so he left soon after, giving me a hug and a kiss. I felt like shit for doing it, even though I thoroughly enjoyed it. I know this will just push him further away.

Intervention

Stalker and I spoke again last night. He has cut me off from my addicktion. No more sex. He said he needs to clear his mind and figure out what he wants. That's pretty much all the conversation boils down to. He isn't back together with his "ex". He isn't having sex with either of us (so he says). He just wants to step away from the physical and clear the cloudiness in his head. So yeah...still no answers and now no sex...

Happy Birthday Stalker

Sigh. So this was the dreaded weekend. Stalker's birthday weekend with the "ex". He is still with her. I've heard nothing from him since Thursday night when he sent me a text to let me know he made it there safely. Wow! Yeah, so now all I can think about every night is him wrapped around her instead of me. I didn't realize how difficult this weekend would be. I sent him a text earlier today saying happy birthday, and of course, I got no response. Sigh.

For those of you wondering how the rest of our talk went on Tuesday night, here goes. He came over to spend the night. The talk took place as we were lying in bed. I again told him that I didn't want him to go. He explained that this weekend was about he and the "ex" deciding what they were going to do. The conversation then moved to his feelings about me. I asked him when he realized he felt for me as more than a friend. He said it was when my grandfather died. He said he noticed that he constantly worried about how I was feeling and how I was handling it. He knew then that he had crossed the friend line, because he just wanted to comfort me. He went on to describe how being with me was like a "breath of fresh air" and that he didn't know he could feel this way about someone else. It confused him, because he thought he was supposed to be with "her". He knew that he crossed the line when he wanted to see me all the time, if only for a few minutes. So he knew before I did really! I came right out and asked Stalker if he really wants a relationship with his "ex". His response? "I don't know." Uh duh! Shouldn't that be a clue??? He then said that he needs to talk to her about it this weekend. I then asked if he wanted what was going on between me and him to end, and he told me no. Again....duh! Next I asked what will happen to us if he gets back together with her. He said, "I guess we will have to go back to being friends." I said, "Is that what you want? Could you do that?" He said, "It would suck, but it's what we would have to do if I'm in a committed relationship." Um...wow!! All I could say is "Do you even hear yourself? You practically admitted you don't want the relationship!" We talked a little more, but the conversation basically went in circles with no real answers. He doesn't know what he wants. He said he just wants everybody to be happy. Um...buddy...someone is going to be unhappy in the end. That's the ugly part of a love triangle. To make matters worse, Stalker's car wouldn't start on Wednesday morning, so I had to take him to work, making me extremely late to my job! His dad brought him over to get his car during his lunch. I still wonder what he told his dad about where he spent the night before.

Since I had the sinking feeling that I was going to be the unhappy one, I decided to make his last sexual experience with me one he would never forget. Stalker came by my place after work on Wednesday evening. I met him at the door in a sexy black and green nightie with no panties. I had the candlelight and LOTR playing on the TV. I pulled him into my apartment and undressed him while I let my lips and tongue wonder all over his body. I led him to the couch, sat him down, got on my knees and gave him a BJ he will never forget. Just before he was about to cum, I straddled him and rode him until he was about to explode. He told me that was his favorite "nookie time" with me ever. This is the first and only time we neglected to use a condom and he didn't pull out. Let's pray that my BC pill really does work! I've never tested it!

After we laid around in the after-orgasm glow, it was back to reality. Stalker had to meet "her" mother to get some things to take to "her" for her new apartment. Isn't that nice of him to travel all that way to take "her" things for his birthday weekend? I wonder if "her" mother could smell me on him...

Before you all start with the comments, yes I know you may think I disrespected myself, but I wanted to enjoy Stalker one last time before this weekend. I do have hopes that he comes back and wants to try things with me, but I am realistic...as sad as that makes me.

In other news...when I went out with some girlfriends last weekend, I met a new guy. We will call him Mr. International. He is obviously a foreigner to this country. He seemed like a nice guy, and we talked for quite a while. I gave him my number. I figured if nothing else, he may be a good distraction from Stalker, as you all know I've been looking. On Wednesday just when I thought I wouldn't hear from him, I received a text asking me if he could call me after 7:00 when he got home. I told him sure and I was looking forward to talking to him. Uh...he called at 10:45. And yeah, I was already asleep. Really not a good time for a first conversation when you are a school teacher! The next day I texted him to let him know I was already asleep. So....he tried again on Thursday night....at 10:00!! Really??? Not much better. Again, I was already asleep. You would think he would catch on, right? So Friday, he called at 12:45 in the afternoon. Hello???? I'm a teacher!!! Can't chat during class! By now, I was already irritated. When I listened to his voicemail, he suggested we get together on Saturday. Unfortunately, I was headed out of town to visit my BFF. I sent him a text to let him know I would be out of town for the weekend. So sometime Friday night I guess he thought it would be a good idea to call again. He left a voicemail saying that he hopes I like talking on the phone. He also said it's okay that I went out of town. I'm not real sure what to think of that statement, as he said it like I had asked his permission! So far Mr. International is off to a rocky start.

Bowling Anyone?

After that wonderful Thursday night with Stalker, we got back into our text routine during the work day. It continued into Friday evening, and then he went silent until Saturday morning. He sent a text telling me that he fell out at 9ish Friday night and slept until about 11:00 on Saturday morning. This isn't surprising after the week he had. He then told me to have a good weekend. Um...huh?? I replied that I was hoping he'd be a part of my weekend, to which he said that it would be a family weekend since he would be out of town the next weekend (visiting "her" for his birthday). This is the text convo from there:

Me: I don't want you to go
Stalker: :(
Me: I need to talk to you
Stalker: K. Bout what?
Me: What do you think?
Stalker: Its too early for me to think...
Me: Do you even remember our talk on Thursday morning?
Stalker: I do.
Me: And what are your thoughts on it?
Stalker: I honestly don't know
Me: Well you acted like you wanted to move forward Thursday night. I think you should give me...give US a chance.
Stalker: I have to see how next weekend plays out
Me: Then maybe you should give me some time too. I know you feel for me.
Stalker: Yeah I do care about you. But I have to see what she is thinking
Me: So basically I get 2nd prize if she doesn't want you?
Stalker: I dunno.
Me: It would be great if we could actually talk in person.
Stalker: K. Tomorrow may be cool.
Me: You are making a huge mistake.
Stalker: :(
Me: I think you really do know it. And that's the shit of it all. Have you/are you going to tell her about me?
Stalker: Probably not


From this point on, my inner psycho just came out. I called him to try to explain that I would like to do something for his birthday before he left for the weekend. Stalker's response? "Can't we do it after I come back in town?" My anxiety level rose into over-drive! I panicked and said, "There may not be an after next weekend!" He was at his niece's soccer game, and he said he would call me later. I told him I wouldn't be home, because I had plans to go out. He then said he would text me instead. Guess what??? No call...no text all day Saturday.

Finally on Sunday he contacted me via text. I was pretty short in my responses. We did decide that he would come over after his family activities later in the evening. A couple hours later, Stalker texted me to say he was probably going to the gym in a little while (we belong to the same gym). When I asked what happened to family time, he told me his dad was going with him. I'm still not quite sure why he felt the need to check in with me like that, so all I said was "Y'all have fun!"

Fast forward a couple more hours, he sent a text telling me his sister was in the emergency room again (She has been experiencing severe migraines), and he would keep me updated. I suggested that we reschedule Monday evening, but then we realized both of us had prior commitments. So we finally decided on Tuesday evening right after work.

Just as I was about to settle in for a date with my DVR on Sunday evening, I receive a text from Stalker:

"Me and my bro gonna go bowling at (Stalker's local bowling alley). Wanna go?

Huh? I just called him, because all this texting was getting confusing! Last word I had was that he was on the way to the ER. He informed that his sister told him not to come, so he and his brother decided to go on with the original family plans to bowl. I reminded him that my car was messed up (turns out it was just the battery) and I didn't want to drive anywhere until I got it checked out. Stalker offered to go out of his way to pick me up.

So yeah, I went bowling with Stalker and his brother last night. We had a pretty good time. It was kinda strange hanging with Stalker and someone else. Every time we've done anything together, it was always just the two of us. It was difficult not to smack him on the ass or get super flirty with him. His brother was a pretty nice guy. He is much more quiet than Stalker and less outgoing. At one point, Stalker's brother asked me if I work with Stalker. I'm not real sure what Stalker had/hadn't told him about me. I just told him that Stalker and I met at a party a while back and became fast friends. What?? It wasn't a lie! The night ended with a hug from Stalker when he and his brother dropped me off at my place.

"The Talk" Follow-up

Thursday after "the talk" I didn't hear too much from Stalker. We didn't engage in our usual text convo during the work day. We did exchange a couple texts trying to decide what we were doing for dinner. So when I was driving home, I oh-so-surprised to receive this:

k. I stay the night tonight. maybe wine and something quick and easy after softball game.

I really thought he would pull away to let all my feelings and other babble marinate and to think on things. So I picked up a rotisserie chicken and some sides from the local grocery along with some wine. The side dishes had just been completed when Stalker arrived at my place in softball uniform, laden with his over-night necessities. He didn't have a hand free to hug me, so instead he kissed me hello. Well, that was different! Once settled, we made our plates, put in a DVD and got cozy on the couch. After eating, Stalker took a quick shower. We were watching LOTR, and he has seen it a dozen times. Once he returned to the couch, he took my feet in his lap and commenced to rubbing. The wine went to my head and I couldn't make it through the movie, so we decided to hit the sheets. We discussed my upcoming move next month, as we were getting ready for bed. He told me that there was no need to hire movers, and that he and his brother would do it if I rented the truck. Again, I was caught by surprise! Not only did he commit to doing something for me, but I also get to meet a family member!? I thought, "Wow! Now we're getting somewhere!"

I wasn't too tired for some sensual nookie! Again, it was amazing and left us both speechless. We fell asleep entwined and woke the same way when the alarm went off. Of course, I had to have more before work. It's too good, and I'm enjoying it while I have it. He left for work before I did, as he was going by Verizon to get his anticipated Droid phone. He assured me that I would receive the very first text from his fantasy phone. He again kissed and hugged me goodbye and was on his way.