Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Old Man Sweater

I met E-Harmony guy for lunch this past Sunday. He definitely did not impress me. I know I'm closer to 40 than I am to 30 now, but I generally am not attracted to men in their mid to late 40's. This guy's profile claimed that he is 45, but he looked and acted more like 55. Ugh. He was wearing an old man sweater over his pregnant belly. You know...those sweaters from the 80's with geometrical shapes all over it? Yeah...not sexy at all...and to top it all off with a pregnant belly. Yeah, you know those bellies men of a certain age develop that are hard? And they have no fat anywhere else on their bodies? Again...not sexy. So I had a nice, polite, FREE lunch Sunday. I think he knew I was disappointed, because I ended the date early and haven't heard from him since. There is a new guy I was matched with this week who looks a little more interesting. I'll keep you updated.

Sunday morning I took an EPT. I haven't mentioned this in the blog, but Stalker was convinced that he had impregnated me! He kept on about babies and superstitious ideas about men sleeping a lot when they have gotten a woman pregnant. He said he had been coming home from work and crashing only to wake up in time for work the next day. I've never heard this, but he was starting to creep me out. I decided to take a test, just to be safe. It was negative (whew!), so I texted him to let him know. This was our first contact since he left my apartment the Sunday before. You know, the Sunday he told me he would be out of town when I move? The text read a little something like this:

According to ept I'm not pregnant with your bastard child. So you don't have to worry about folks finding out about your whore on the side that way anymore.

His response?

Cool. Did you need me to have people come help you next weekend?

I won't bore with the actual details of the rest of the text convo. I'll just tell you that he doesn't understand why he is the "bad guy" in all this. He said that he offered me manpower but I refused. He couldn't understand that I didn't feel comfortable accepting help from some random strangers when he was the one who had offered to do it. He just told me that he thought I was expecting sooo much from him that I was getting hurt by my own expectations. Um, since when is expecting a friend to lend a hand when he offered expecting too much??? But really??? If I can't depend on him to show up to help out, how the hell can I depend on whatever strangers he would send to help?? And how embarrassing would that be? I just told him that I'd already hired movers, and he is more than welcome to help pay! Stalker then said he would help and asked if I would pay him back! When I told I didn't realize that he was offering a loan, he said if I needed a loan or just money not to pay back, let him know. Ugh.

So Monday and Tuesday went by without a word from Stalker. Well, Tuesday night around 10:15, I received a text from him:

Stalker: I have Xmas gifts for you...
Me: It isn't Xmas.
Stalker: In ten days...
Me: Yeah I'm aware. Thank you in advance?
Stalker: When would you like them?

As I was typing a response, he called me. We chatted about my busy week at work like nothing had ever happened. I was already in the bed and let him know this. He then said, "I guess it wouldn't be a good idea for me to stop by then?" I told him no and that I'd talk to him later. Um...I really don't know what to say about it. Guess I'll get those gifts when he returns from his trip with his sister. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention she is the reason he has to go out of town this weekend? She wanted to go with him, and that was the only weekend she could make the trip. Um...yeah.


Roxy said...

Yuck about eharmony guy.

I don't think stalker is a healthy friendship.

Esperanza-To Infinity and Beyond said...

i second the UNhealthy friendship thing :/

The Angel and Demon Within said...

Been waiting to see how you worded the EHarmony date.

LOL I don't mind a little pot belly but once it gets to where they can't see their shoes... Anyone out there ever try and have "relations" with one someone with those big bellys? Not many positions work because the belly keeps getting in the way. ;)

Stalker, well, I'm shocked that you even talked to him. I've got two cents you can give him for his Christmas gift. :P

Non Sequitur Chica said...

Yikes on the sweater. A pot belly isn't the WORST thing on a guy. I could tolerate that a lot more than say lots of hair (especially on a guy's back- *shudder*).

As far as stalker? I agree with the PP, he doesn't seem like a healthy friendship for you anymore.

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

I chuckled at the pic of the sweater before even reading, so I knew it wouldn't be a love match...sowwy :-(. LOL @ Angel's comment.

Well, my friend, it's up to you to decide what you're willing to put up with (obviously), but be careful not to invest too many emotions in Stalker dude, he's not giving you (and probably won't/can't) the time and attention you really deserve.

jo said...

i shuddered when i read bout the big pot belly. i think that if men expect their women to look good, the least they should do is also look good too.

stalker is just one weird fella. i'm not sure if you should even be talking to him again since he obviously doesn't even get where he's gone (and still going) wrong.

Dater at Large said...

A&DW: I'm with you on a little pot belly. I kind of like it, prob b/c it makes me feel better about my bod.

S&S: Stalker Dude is becoming more and more selfish and also passive aggressive, which is my least attractive quality. I think you should give him the cold shoulder for the holidays. He doesn't even deserve your friendship.

Laurnie said...

Im new to your blog and I think you are hilarious!

Jenny DB said...

I know its not gonna happen, but you should just ix-nay stalker out of your life completely. no more.

Kate said...

eharmony guy sounds the pic of the jumper by the way - I was laughing from the start.

Kate xx

Therapeutic Ramblings said...

Why are you still talking to him? Seriously. Oh, and the E-Harmony guy....ouch. Maybe some lucky/unlucky girl will make him their, "winter project".