Sometimes Good People Have Sad Lives

Amongst de-junking my apartment, setting up my massage table, consulting with my best friend about her issues with her son's school system, and talking for an hour with my grandmother, I've been watching Brothers & Sisters on Netflix today. In the last episode I watched, Justin was feeling down because he was turning 30 and he was alone. His brother, Kevin, told him, "Sometimes good people have sad lives, but you aren't one of them." I think I may be one of them.

Every man I meet is totally wrong for me. Okay...maybe not every ONE, although I have met some doozies in my dating career! But I tend to mess up the decent ones with my insecurities. I think I have abandonment issues (thanks dad), so with my "witty sarcasm" I manage to push away any man that may have potential. I lash out with accusatory remarks when I feel like someone is "abandoning" me again. Of course, that just pushes people away more. This only happens with men...not girlfriends, family, or coworkers. Maybe I'm so jaded that I just can't believe that the "real thing" exists for me. I know so few TRULY HAPPY couples that it seems futile sometimes, even though I'm about as lonely as one can get. I have trust issues after being lied to time and time again. I am trying to keep my heart open and my feelings honest (sometimes too honest). Just some food for thought. I've been living in my head after watching too much Brothers & Sisters.

And then after all this thought, I read this quote somewhere: “Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”- unknown This is so, so true of me.

Friends with Benefits?

Have you all gone to see this movie?? If not, run out and see it now! Not only is Justin Timberlake just ridiculously yummy, he and Mila Kunis are also ridiculously hilarious! Of course, it had a typical and predictable Hollywood ending. But all the stuff leading up to it will keep you laughing and even empathizing with the characters.

Needless to say, this movie also reminded me of a couple of "relationships" I've had. *cough* FWB...Stalker *cough* I'm sure neither of those will have that nice, tidy Hollywood ending at the end of two hours of laughs and one little touching visit home to the family.

So...what's been going on? Oh, a whole lot of nothing. I've returned to work as of last week, so it's back to my busy busy schedule. I will make it a point to make time to relieve stress and relax a little this school year.

Needy and I were supposed to meet up last Tuesday night, but I didn't hear from him until 9:30 that night. He had the nerve to ask if I still wanted to get together. He claimed that he had sent a text letting me know he had to attend his sister's last minute birthday dinner. I never received said text. I'm not saying he didn't send it...I'm just sayin'. So, he asked for another chance and if we could meet up that weekend. He called me Thursday morning around 10:00. I sent a text telling him that I couldn't talk, because I was in training. He replied with, "I was just saying hey! I was thinking about this weekend." I responded later that evening asking what he was thinking about the weekend. Saturday around 5:45 PM, I got a text from him saying, "Hey what are you up to? Want to catch a movie or something?" Um...way to wait until the last minute, buddy! By this time I was out with a girlfriend. I told him that I had made other plans since I hadn't heard back from him in two days. Since then, he has been blowing up my phone daily!

Wish me luck...

So Ex-Coworker is due to arrive tomorrow night. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. Guess I'll figure that out when I actually lay eyes on him...heh, I doubt that's all I'll lay on him! Yeah, yeah, I have the humor of a 13 year old boy at times. Lucky him...he will get to hang with my gays for the going away lunch we are having. But we are doing dinner with a lovely couple Sunday night. I'm sure he will like that much better, since it will involve tequila and straight people. I don't think Ex-Coworker is homophobic or anything, but he is definitely a manly man. Thank goodness he is an open-minded one.

Still no word from FWB. I love how he is willing to make something work between us. Oh, and yeah, that was most definitely sarcasm. No word from Coach or Old Friend the last couple days. But I didn't really expect anymore than that. Stalker has become a texting buddy for the time being, I guess. That's about it in my world of dating!

Oh...last night the gays, the other hag, and I went to a special double feature of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Parts 1 and 2. The theater showed Part 1 at 9:00 and Part 2 at midnight. I thought it was rather fun. It is so interesting to see all the people who show up, dressed as the characters for the movies. I saw some very creative ones. I just wish I'd had my camera with me!

Have a fantabulous weekend, Blogland!

Here an ex, there an ex, everywhere an ex

So I finally received a text from FWB yesterday. He told me that he was serious about wanting to actually pursue something more with me. Then, of course, he disappeared after a couple text exchanges. So there are still no answers. I won't believe crap from him until he actually acts on it. If he really wanted more, he would like maybe ask me out or something?! Silly little boys...

Ex-Coworker is scheduled to hit town in the next few days. Again, this is something I will believe when I see it. In the meantime, Old Friend continues to text. He has found yet another part-time gig where he currently lives. He says he has a few irons in the fire in my city. He hopes to be back here working and in school within the next couple of months. Again...silly little boys...

Yo, actions speak so much louder than words! Yeah, it's a cliche, but a very true one!

Sober again

Hey! I'm sober now!! And I'm thinking much more clearly! Not much went on during the weekend. I got a new tattoo. It's a big ass tatt on my back, and it still hurts like a bitch! I heard from Ex-Coworker. It was his birthday yesterday, and now he has decided he wants to visit me as a birthday gift to himself. So it looks like I may have a nice little dick-down coming my way. Can't have him around without doing all that...way too good to pass up!

Btw...I'm horny as all hell, but I'm afraid I've ruined the dick deliveries from Stalker. What the fuck was I thinking??

Yep...I'm still drunk...

so here's a song...



One More Addiction by Natalie Imbruglia

First the good news
It's gonna feel very nice
Then the bad news
You gotta pay a heavy price
Rip tide. We slide we ride on a deep forbidden sea
Under we go - so slow
And you're hanging onto me
And I say

Oh Oh one more addiction in my world
Oh one more connection to let go
Oh floating down the river
Out of sight forever (From my world)
It's the only thing I know how to do

I reject you
But I can't follow through
I'd forget you
But you'd end up tappin' on my back door
Somehow I lost myself in a tunnel long and black
Somewhere. At the end, I pretend
There's a way of turning back

Oh Oh one more addiction in my world
Oh one more connection to let go
Oh floating down the river
Out of sight forever (From my world)
It's the only thing I know how to do

Take a breath
Let it out
All the things you frown about are meaningless,
ofcourse unless, you're doing this for real I guess
I meant to but
I don't know what
Is in the way and could I say
Its you I bet
I won't forget
Maybe I'm not ready yet

Oh Oh one more addiction in my world
Oh one more connection to let go
Oh floating down the river
Out of sight forever (From my world)
It's the only thing I know how to do.

Oh Oh one more addiction in my world
Oh one more connection to let go
Oh floating down the river
Out of sight forever (From my world)
It's the only thing I know how to do.

It's the only thing I know how to do.
It's the only thing I know how to do.
It's the only thing, the only thing that I
It's the only thing, the only thing that I
It's the only thing I know how to do.
It's the only thing, the only thing that I, know how to do.
'Cause I forget you.

I can't do this...

shit anymore. There I've said it. I took last year off from dating, thinking I just needed to take some time off. And now it's July...I've been open and willing to take chances for seven months now. I can't play the games and can't deal with the lies that go along with dating. I'm too honest, fragile, and lonely. There I said it. I'm tired of the disappointment after disappointment. I'm tired of the "excuses" and the bullshit and the baggage. Why can't people just say what's real? Do people even have respect for others anymore? Do they ever look deeper than the surface? Fuck it. I'm done with the whole process...I'll be the crazy fucking dog/cat lady who plays with her toys to get off. Humans don't seem to know how to connect anymore.

P.S. I'm drunk.

Effed up again!

As I've mentioned, I've allowed Stalker back into my life again. I told him and myself that I wouldn't get attached like I did last time. I do enjoy his company and the sex. We have a great time together no matter what we are doing. But intellectually I know that there is no future there. He won't allow it. Just as I said in my last post about the men from my past, they feel for me but won't allow anything deeper to progress past the casual.

Stalker came over for taco and margarita night last night. Before the main course, we had a little appetizer...in my bed. We followed the dinner with a little dessert of chocolate syrup and dick. Then we went for round three...yeah, round three!! Wow...just wow is all I can say! It's addictive. I woke up late today, still thinking about it, and that's probably because I could still feel it in my vagina. I wanted more. But I know it's illegal to keep a man as your sex slave.

I sent him an innocent enough text letting him know that he left his coupon books (don't ask) behind at my apartment. He asked if he could come by tonight and get them. Unfortunately, I'm meeting with the gays to plan a going away party for one who is moving away at the end of the month. So I suggested we go to a movie tomorrow night. Of course, he said he couldn't, because his weekends are "reserved for family time". I knew this, but for some reason it gets to me, and I continue to "test" him. I don't know why I do this to myself. It just brings back all the insecurities from two years ago when he was first in my life. I need to learn to relax and enjoy the moment. Instead, I started asking all these questions, which in turn, lead him to say I was getting "weird" and acting like we are a married couple. I told myself when he wanted back in my life that I wouldn't do this again...push for more than I know he can/will give. Part of it is that I'm jealous that he has family and I don't. It gets lonely when you're single and have no one to lean on.

Pfft...Holidays...

So every holiday that rolls around reminds me how alone I truly am. I manage to stay busy with work during the school year, and the holidays during that time don't seem too bad. I can always use the excuse that I just wanted to relax. But it's summer now, and all I have is time. Today is the 4th of July...everyone is spending the day with family and friends and swimming and cooking out. Where am I? The same place as usual...my apartment. No one has invited me to anything. I know they forget, because they are all involved in family plans. People tend to forget that I don't have that. Oh, how I yearn for it.

This song popped up on my iPod while driving home from the store earlier, and it really hit home.

To Coach or Not to Coach?

Coach finally called me yesterday afternoon. Of course, it took a goodbye text from me to get that. My text said, "I'm throwing in the towel. I've read He's Just Not That Into You...lol. And obviously, you're not anymore!"

When he called, he tried to explain that he is indeed interested, but his schedule this summer was much worse and crazier than ever. He also explained that he is having a few financial difficulties, so he has been more stressed out than he has been in a while. He asked me if we could continue to talk and get to know one another. I'm not sure if this would be a waste of my time or not.

PMS Blues

This week, the main staple of my diet has been ice cream, followed closely by Jack Daniels and wine. Healthy, right? I'm blaming it on my hormones. Stupid stupid PMS. I've been a sad excuse of a human this weekend...gluttonous I've been. Pity party all around! In addition, I'm coming off a dating high from last week.

Remember last week? It seems so long ago. Unlike last week, this week has been dateless, unless you count last Saturday when Stalker came over to watch a DVD and Tuesday when he came over for a little bon voyage nookie before he took off to LA for the rest of the week to visit his old college buddy. That is it...seems so boring (not that Stalker nookie is ever boring) after my whirlwind of dates last week.

As for Coach, still no phone call. On Monday, he sent a text telling me that I may expect a bit much from him right now. I was confused, because the last I'd heard is that he was planning to make more time for "us". So I asked him what he meant, as all I've asked of him is communication...no pressure for time. He then responded with "I guess you're right...sorry." When I asked what exactly he was sorry for, he said "not communicating more", to which I said, "There's only one way to correct that!" That was Wednesday. Fast forward to Friday morning, I sent a text telling him good morning in a last ditch effort. Four hours later, he finally responded with "Hey! I hope you are enjoying your down time." Brush off much?? I still tried to stay chipper and told him I was having a girls afternoon including pedis and a movie. *chirp...chirp* And then there was nothing...hint taken. I'm not exactly sure where this possible relationship went south. We were communicating daily for over a month, and our last date went well. Sigh...

In addition to my pity party, I noticed today that MatchMan had deleted me from his Facebook friends. I also noticed he is now in a relationship. I don't know why that bothered me, but it did. It isn't that I want him back, but maybe because it shows that he has moved forward in life, and I'm still spinning my wheels.

Some things never change...

When my high school friend came to visit, it was like we were back in high school again...and I definitely don't mean that in a good way. She drove from a city about two hours away, and she was extremely late due to thunderstorms. When we finally did arrive at the seedy little bar where our other friend was playing, she said, "Oh, there's a parking spot!" So I thought we had found a prime spot on the street. It was raining hard, and I didn't realize it wasn't a real spot until I looked back from the entrance of the bar. I stayed long enough to down one drink and progressively became more worried about my car. When I ran out into the rain to move it, there was a nice wet parking ticket on the windshield. I managed to find a REAL spot on the next block. When I returned, my friend was on her third drink. Soon after, my friend's band was done with their set, and they came to join us at the bar. Apparently my HS girl friend is still quite the hottie for her age, because the men in the band took pictures of her like she was some super model. She continued to down the drinks and started booty shaking to heavy metal music! I mean...REALLY?? I was quite embarrassed and very uncomfortable. We closed the bar down, and she stumbled out to the car (again in the rain). Once on the interstate, my HS girl friend started mumbling, saying we may have to pull over. Next I know, her head is hanging out of the window while vomit streaks the side and windows of my car. I pulled off to the side, so that she could open the door and puke on the ground like a proper lady. I did this twice on the way home. I honestly don't think I've ever had to pull over for someone to puke. She continued to dry heave once we made it back to my place. REMEMBER WE ARE IN OUR 30'S!! Shouldn't this behavior be behind us? I was so relieved the next morning when she left and said that she would be staying with another friend that night. She is still the same drunken attention whore she was back in the day!

In other news, not another word from Coach. Gee, imagine that! Stalker came over Saturday night and watched a DVD. And no...no hot sex...just cuddling on the couch and hand holding.

Addendum to my week...

So I just got a text from Coach telling me that after this weekend he should have more time for "us". Hmmm...

Oh, I didn't really tell you all about him. He is about 7 years older than I am and divorced with an 8 year old child. This child is a very active athlete already, and Coach is quite involved in her athletic life. Apparently, her traveling track season is over after this weekend, and Coach is planning to make more time for me. We shall see...

My week in review

Yeah, the title implies that I'm about to share just this week with you, but I must rewind a couple weeks.

It was two weeks ago today that I had my kitty angel put down. It was also the day that Stalker sent one of his random texts. I'm not sure that I've shared this here, but I hear from him occasionally. He would say hello sometimes, and others he would ask if/when we would ever see one another again. Due to different circumstances, I either didn't respond to him or life got in the way of us meeting up. This is a little of our text convo:

Stalker: When you taking me out on a date?

Me: Shouldn't that be the opposite way? I just left vet office. Had (Kitty Angel) put down today. :'(

Stalker: :'( oh no. I'm sorry. :-(

Me: Yeah...so it's a cryfest right now.

Stalker: I'm a little teary-eyed myself. If I can help in any way, let me know.

Me: Thanks. I'm out with my gay right now. He made all the arrangements bc I couldn't do it.

Stalker: Ok. Keep me updated.

The next day, I sent Stalker a text telling him that he could take me on a date Monday night. And take me on a date he did. We began with miniature golf, then went to one of those fairs that pop up in mall parking lots to eat funnel cake, and ended the night watching Thor in 3D. Because the movie had been out for a while, we had the theater to ourselves. Stalker even dared to cuddle with me during the movie. By the way, this was the first time that Stalker and I had gone to the theater to sit and watch a movie together! Crazy, huh?

Now rewind to about a month or so ago. I was just about to take my profile off POF when I received an email on there from what looked to be a handsome man, who also happened to be a teacher! Jackpot! Part of my dating dilemma is due to my lack of time during the school year and all the hours I put into lesson plans, grading papers, and editing the yearbook. This man would not only understand my schedule, his would be even worse because he is a coach! Double jackpot!! Coach and I spoke on the phone or texted everyday for a couple weeks, before we met at a Starbucks one afternoon. He was impressive, and we clicked. The downside? It was about 3 more weeks before we could find a mutual time to see one another again.

So...all that flashback brings me to my dating life this week.

Monday night: bowling with Stalker

Tuesday afternoon: lunch at Chipotle and dessert at Pinkberry with Stalker

Tuesday night: Fat Matt's BBQ and dessert at Cafe Intermezzo with Coach

Wednesday night: Dave and Buster's with Stalker (he even won me a monkey), followed by hot sex with Stalker...damn I missed his body on mine!

Thursday night: After Stalker's basketball game, he dropped off the new Jill Scott CD...and more hot sex!

It's now Friday afternoon, and one of my besties from high school will be in town tonight to go see the band of another high school friend play at a venue in the city. I'm sure she will spend the weekend with me, so this weekend will be dateless. I think I made up for it during the week, huh?

Nothing to do with dating...

Okay...you all know I have a dog. I'm not sure that I mentioned that I also have 2 cats. They are both about 8-9 years old, and I adopted them together when they were kittens. I've loved them all their lives. But now, they have come to a point where they shit outside the litter box, no matter how often I clean it or change the litter. I can clean it and 5 minutes later there is a pile of poo right NEXT to the box! One of them pukes nonstop. She has always had a sensitive stomach, but it has gotten to point that I need to clean my carpet weekly...not just vacuum but clean it! I'm so tired and too broke to constantly buy cat litter and cleaning solution. It has gotten to the point where I feel like all I do is work and clean up after these cats. I don't even look at them with love and affection anymore. They have become more of a burden; not to mention being the crazy cat lady with the nasty puke stains on her floor really isn't going to land me a husband. I don't know what to do at this point. I don't feel right having them euthanized, but I don't trust a shelter or another person to put up with them either. I just know that I can't deal with it anymore. Suggestions?

POS Man 2

Not long after things ended with POS1, I had another bite. He is a military police officer and very attractive (to me anyway). We had a couple phone conversations and decided to meet at a local bookstore/coffee shop on a Sunday evening. He bought us coffee and conversation was real easy. But unlike POS1, POS2 made it VERY clear that he was attracted to me. About an hour into the date, he began to make sexual innuendos, almost to the point that I was uncomfortable. He let me know that he had a foot fetish. I still can't put my finger on it, but it was creepy for some reason. Call it a gut feeling...

I figured I hadn't given him a fair chance, so I continued to communicate with him over the next couple weeks. One night he invited me over for pizza and a movie. I went, even though I wasn't comfortable going to his home yet.* I also made the mistake of wearing flip flops! I wasn't even thinking of his love of women's feet.

As we were watching the movie, I was sitting with my legs crossed next to him on the couch. He continued to slouch further and further down in the couch, his arm stretched out. Next thing I know, POS2 is stroking the arch of my foot with his finger. I just looked at him in horror, and he said, "Oh, there was something on your foot!" I moved away from him, and yet he just continued to somehow work his way back to my foot. He thought it was cute and playful. Again, my creeper alarm continued to go off. As soon as the credits rolled, I jumped up and said it was past my bed time. My feet and I got out of there unscathed!

POS2 still continues to text. He asked me when we are going to watch a movie with him. I was honest and explained that I wasn't comfortable being alone with him in either of our homes. He claimed to understand and said we would keep it public until I'm comfortable. But of course, he hasn't bothered to ask me out anywhere again.

*no lectures please!

POF or POS???

So when I decided that I wanted to try dating again at the beginning of the year, I joined Plenty of Fish. I chose this website because it's free. I thought I was ready to get back out there, but I didn't want to pay to do it! Well, maybe it is true that you get what you pay for! So far, I've had to throw all that fish I've caught right back out into the pond! :) The next couple entries (coming this weekend) will about those fish caught on Plenty of Shi...I mean Fish.

No Sexy Songs Today...

I know my posts on here have been few and far between. Like I've said before, work is insane. I've pretty much settled into a week day routine. I go to work, come home, feed the animals, and take my dog for a walk to to the dog park. I keep thinking one day I might run into a single man at the park. So far, no such luck! There was a guy there the first two times I went. He had a Boxer, and he was pretty cute (the man, that is...). He actually approached me and asked me where I work. When I told him, he said he knew me from somewhere but couldn't figure it out. Hmmm...the second time he showed up just before my four-legged boyfriend and I were leaving. We spoke briefly, and I haven't seen him again. All the other men at the dog park that I've spoken with have been married. Boo!

Have I mentioned that Ex-coworker resurfaced again? He did via text. He got all bitchy when I told him I didn't see the point of him visiting. A couple days later he emailed me to apologize and told me he would like to pick up where we left off. Hell, I'm not even sure where we left off, he comes and goes so much!

And about my friend and FB, I've called and messaged her, only to get no response. I would try to request her again, but apparently she has blocked me from contacting her on FB. This friend of mine has been known to take things personally and just cut people out of her life with no discussion. She had just never done it to me before. Mature, huh?

Oh yeah, I found out that young coworker set a date for his wedding last week. Good luck to him on that!

Still sexless in 2010...when does one begin the revirgination process?

If it isn't one thing...

I'm going to be honest...I really just haven't been in the mood to write. My brain is frazzled from work, and the little free time I do have I've been spending with my little man...my dog. We've been going to the dog park when there is nice weather. The little guy just won't loosen up and have a little fun! I think he is under the impression that his job is to protect me. If dogs come running my way, he is there to defend me, and he refuses to stray more than 10-12 feet away from me even though he is off his leash. He really is a sweet little cuddlebug though. Thank goodness for that, because he is giving me the only cuddling I am getting!

Ex-coworker has reappeared via text messages. I hadn't heard from him since just after New Year's. The only thing I can figure is he is alone again...musta had some chick hanging around for a while. Again, I told him I am not interested in the casual on again off again thing. To which he responded, "You will find someone. You are a good woman."

Oh, and remember that knee pain that I thought was tendinitis? Apparently, it isn't. The pain never fully went away, and my left knee still KILLS me on stairs. I finally broke down and saw a doctor. The x-rays showed no problems with the bones. The doctor has ordered MRI's for later this week. He thinks it could be a torn meniscus (cartilage)...cross your fingers that it isn't! The move into the new apartment cost me my left knee! And you know who I'm blaming...hehe.

Drowning....

Yep...I'm drowning! I'm barely keeping my head above water at work. This is why I haven't been around the last few weeks. I feel like I'm made of thin rubber, being stretched even thinner, and I just may break soon! Okay, okay...things aren't that bad, but it has been crazy.

I finally met the guy from Match a couple weeks ago. We went bowling. I figured that would be fun no matter if we found one another attractive. Yes, the bowling was fun. And no, he wasn't attractive. He may have been a few years ago when his profile pictures were taken. I was tricked, my friends! He claimed to be 41, but he looked closer to 51! And obviously, his pictures were not current! What is with that?? If you are going to join a dating site, why lie about who you really are? Eventually, the people with whom you communicate will find out!

Otherwise, I'm still dateless and sexless in 2010. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed...