Sunday, November 29, 2009

Hello, just call me Jacob!

I went to see New Moon last night, and I feel like Jacob. Used as comfort in the absence of the obsession of the object of my affection. But for some reason, I still care, even though Stalker obviously doesn't feel the same way. Unrequited's a feeling that has been written about in books and portrayed on stage and in movies for years, decades, and centuries.

Friday night, Stalker texted me saying, "How bout you give me a massage?" around 11:00. I told him, "Maybe tomorrow." And he responded with "I guess I'll turn around then." I told him that that was quite presumptuous of him to think he could just pop up on a Friday night. He just said, "Ok I'll just take my drunk butt home then." I again responded with "maybe tomorrow". Saturday morning I sent a "Good morning sunshine!" text around 11:00, to which he responded "Morning" at 2:00 PM. I sent back, "LOL. A little past morning!" And then there was nothing...

Around 4:15, I sent him a text that said, "If you still want that massage, be at my place around 11:30 ;). You're gonna need it after (insert football team name) kicks that (insert Stalker's fave team) ass!" Again no response....

I went to see New Moon at 7:00, and we got out around 9:30. I then sent another text asking if his lack of response meant he wasn't coming. He told me he was watching the game with his family. Um...that didn't answer my question! Then he told me he would let me know soon. Way to keep me hanging! Finally, around midnight, he texted saying he wasn't going to make it. WTF??? Why didn't he just say no from the beginning??

I called him and lit into his ass! I think I've reached my breaking point. I care about him and would love to continue what we started. He clearly is trying to keep the door open, but he isn't willing to walk through it. I think he is afraid to feel something real and powerful, so he put on the brakes. I know he doesn't desire "her" the way he does me. Things shouldn't be so difficult. Stalker told me he wasn't sure if his feelings for me were genuine or just lust. That is why he is pushing me he can see what is best for him. I think it's all bullshit. I'm a firm believer that if you are feeling it, go with it. He admitted he was denying wanting to see me and be with me purposely. Why deny what makes you happy and feel good? Feelings aren't always rational and logical. He said no other woman had gotten to him and confused him this way. I'm sorry, but the way he looks at me isn't lust. Wanting to spend time with someone just to hear their voice and see their face isn't lust. We had moved beyond the sex buddies thing and were spending QUALITY time together. Lust doesn't want quality time. Lust just wants to get off.

For you, Stalker...

My Love by Jill Scott

Yo I'm trippin right?
I heard you got married.
You got married?
That don't really..
It don't really make any sense.
I mean,
it's not like I didn't think you were
seeing other people or whatever
i mean,
i was seeing other people you know what this is
you know what it was
I can't say I really understand though..

Verse 1:
You chose her cuz she's sweet as pie
take what you give even your lies,
but baby are you happy, without me?
she scrubs your back, washes your clothes,
gives you everything that you ask for..
but don't you ever want more? cuz, my love..

chorus: my love is deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher, fire..
didn't u know this? or didn't you notice?
my love is deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher, fire..
didn't u know this? or didn't you notice?

verse 2: mm.
what we had don't need no words
deeper than anything you ever heard
i ain't reachin baby, i know i should be your lady
you say you're happy,
you say you're great,
but you know and i know you really ain't
you need to come be with me
that's the way it's supposed to be..

my love is...
ooh oooh ooh
my love. you know know know...
didn't you notice?

cuz all...All I ever do
is think about you baby.
I hold you in my arms, inside my dreams..
And I know what I know, and what I know is
that no matter where you go, you will always think of me, MY LOVE.

(repeat chorus throughout)
ad lib:
you know baby you know
my love is deeper
didn't you notice baby?

fire babe..

Oh well, I guess I'm off to answer messages from old short men on E-Harmony! :-)


The Angel and Demon Within said...

Dang! I am so sorry Honey! You are feeling horrid at the momment I'm sure.

I think stepping back is the best thing for you. You do not deserve to be someone's "fill-in." One day Stalker is going to look back and see what a HUGE mistake he has made and what all he is missing.

JERK!!! How dare he put you off until midnight to let you know that he won't be able to come by. It's not like you couldn't have made other plans. RESPECT... if he can't give it then he needs to stay the heck away from you.

You need to plan on spending at least a week with me while you have your Christmas break. We'll explore KC together and see what trouble we can still get into.

I'm here when you need me... Love YOU!!!

Young woman on a journey said...

I agree with Angel. Stepping back is the best thing. I've been in this situation before. Its not fun at all. Most of all though, you deserve to not be brushed off or played around with. and i think you should stop relying so much on what you know (i.e. that he's more sexually into you than her) and rely more on what he's telling and showing you (he's keeping you as an option, doesn't want to go further in terms of relationship, and he values you very little)

Technolustmaxx said...

I'm single due to the neuroses that paradoxically flare up after 21 years of liberal parenting.

But I'm sure it'll all work out.

Morgan said...

I too have to agree as well. This guy is clearly not into having a relationship with you, yet perfectly happy leading you on in order to get sex from you, and too cowardly too admit any of it. If you're gonna date an asshole, at least date one who can admit to it. Not worth your time hun...

jo said...

i agree with what everyone else has said. you really do need to step back 'coz he's quite obviously leading you on in some way or another and you don't deserve this.

Therapeutic Ramblings said...

He has not only stepped it back to a bootie call, but a rude one at that....since everything is on his time. He really doesn't care about the situation, only the sex.

SaneAndSingle said...

My thoughts exactly, TR!

freckledk said...

With distance comes perspective; I think you'll view this whole mess in a brand new light if you temporarily (and completely!) remove yourself from the situation.

The guy is not treating you as well as you would treat him. You deserve more. Demand more.

The Angel and Demon Within said...

I was all for you giving Stalker a chance. I was all for Stalker taking a break and stepping back to explore what he wants. However, it's not okay to keep sending you mixed signals. Into you one day and not the next. He is playing games with your heart. He may not mean to be doing that but he is. It's time for you to put YOU first.

BeenAroundTheWorld said...

I'm reading your entries and I'm just getting more and more pissed. Like...are we dating the same asshole. It is so typical of men, not to stray to far from the script...their actions are all pretty much the same. Hang in there. I wish you could understand how much I identify with you.