New Job

Yep...I've found one. It's only part time, and it's pretty crappy pay, but it's a job...at a SPA!! I'm going to be a receptionist. Luckily, it's just around the corner from my apartment, so I will save on gas. I start school on October 1 (yeah, a Saturday!), and I can't wait! I've never been so excited about being a broke college student! You would not believe how relieved I already feel just being away from the education system.

Stalker, of course, is still hanging around. Sometimes, there's sex, and sometimes there isn't. Either way it is comfortable. He makes me smile.

Friends with Benefits?

Have you all gone to see this movie?? If not, run out and see it now! Not only is Justin Timberlake just ridiculously yummy, he and Mila Kunis are also ridiculously hilarious! Of course, it had a typical and predictable Hollywood ending. But all the stuff leading up to it will keep you laughing and even empathizing with the characters.

Needless to say, this movie also reminded me of a couple of "relationships" I've had. *cough* FWB...Stalker *cough* I'm sure neither of those will have that nice, tidy Hollywood ending at the end of two hours of laughs and one little touching visit home to the family.

So...what's been going on? Oh, a whole lot of nothing. I've returned to work as of last week, so it's back to my busy busy schedule. I will make it a point to make time to relieve stress and relax a little this school year.

Needy and I were supposed to meet up last Tuesday night, but I didn't hear from him until 9:30 that night. He had the nerve to ask if I still wanted to get together. He claimed that he had sent a text letting me know he had to attend his sister's last minute birthday dinner. I never received said text. I'm not saying he didn't send it...I'm just sayin'. So, he asked for another chance and if we could meet up that weekend. He called me Thursday morning around 10:00. I sent a text telling him that I couldn't talk, because I was in training. He replied with, "I was just saying hey! I was thinking about this weekend." I responded later that evening asking what he was thinking about the weekend. Saturday around 5:45 PM, I got a text from him saying, "Hey what are you up to? Want to catch a movie or something?" Um...way to wait until the last minute, buddy! By this time I was out with a girlfriend. I told him that I had made other plans since I hadn't heard back from him in two days. Since then, he has been blowing up my phone daily!

Wish me luck...

So Ex-Coworker is due to arrive tomorrow night. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. Guess I'll figure that out when I actually lay eyes on him...heh, I doubt that's all I'll lay on him! Yeah, yeah, I have the humor of a 13 year old boy at times. Lucky him...he will get to hang with my gays for the going away lunch we are having. But we are doing dinner with a lovely couple Sunday night. I'm sure he will like that much better, since it will involve tequila and straight people. I don't think Ex-Coworker is homophobic or anything, but he is definitely a manly man. Thank goodness he is an open-minded one.

Still no word from FWB. I love how he is willing to make something work between us. Oh, and yeah, that was most definitely sarcasm. No word from Coach or Old Friend the last couple days. But I didn't really expect anymore than that. Stalker has become a texting buddy for the time being, I guess. That's about it in my world of dating!

Oh...last night the gays, the other hag, and I went to a special double feature of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Parts 1 and 2. The theater showed Part 1 at 9:00 and Part 2 at midnight. I thought it was rather fun. It is so interesting to see all the people who show up, dressed as the characters for the movies. I saw some very creative ones. I just wish I'd had my camera with me!

Have a fantabulous weekend, Blogland!

Sober again

Hey! I'm sober now!! And I'm thinking much more clearly! Not much went on during the weekend. I got a new tattoo. It's a big ass tatt on my back, and it still hurts like a bitch! I heard from Ex-Coworker. It was his birthday yesterday, and now he has decided he wants to visit me as a birthday gift to himself. So it looks like I may have a nice little dick-down coming my way. Can't have him around without doing all that...way too good to pass up!

Btw...I'm horny as all hell, but I'm afraid I've ruined the dick deliveries from Stalker. What the fuck was I thinking??

Effed up again!

As I've mentioned, I've allowed Stalker back into my life again. I told him and myself that I wouldn't get attached like I did last time. I do enjoy his company and the sex. We have a great time together no matter what we are doing. But intellectually I know that there is no future there. He won't allow it. Just as I said in my last post about the men from my past, they feel for me but won't allow anything deeper to progress past the casual.

Stalker came over for taco and margarita night last night. Before the main course, we had a little appetizer...in my bed. We followed the dinner with a little dessert of chocolate syrup and dick. Then we went for round three...yeah, round three!! Wow...just wow is all I can say! It's addictive. I woke up late today, still thinking about it, and that's probably because I could still feel it in my vagina. I wanted more. But I know it's illegal to keep a man as your sex slave.

I sent him an innocent enough text letting him know that he left his coupon books (don't ask) behind at my apartment. He asked if he could come by tonight and get them. Unfortunately, I'm meeting with the gays to plan a going away party for one who is moving away at the end of the month. So I suggested we go to a movie tomorrow night. Of course, he said he couldn't, because his weekends are "reserved for family time". I knew this, but for some reason it gets to me, and I continue to "test" him. I don't know why I do this to myself. It just brings back all the insecurities from two years ago when he was first in my life. I need to learn to relax and enjoy the moment. Instead, I started asking all these questions, which in turn, lead him to say I was getting "weird" and acting like we are a married couple. I told myself when he wanted back in my life that I wouldn't do this again...push for more than I know he can/will give. Part of it is that I'm jealous that he has family and I don't. It gets lonely when you're single and have no one to lean on.

PMS Blues

This week, the main staple of my diet has been ice cream, followed closely by Jack Daniels and wine. Healthy, right? I'm blaming it on my hormones. Stupid stupid PMS. I've been a sad excuse of a human this weekend...gluttonous I've been. Pity party all around! In addition, I'm coming off a dating high from last week.

Remember last week? It seems so long ago. Unlike last week, this week has been dateless, unless you count last Saturday when Stalker came over to watch a DVD and Tuesday when he came over for a little bon voyage nookie before he took off to LA for the rest of the week to visit his old college buddy. That is it...seems so boring (not that Stalker nookie is ever boring) after my whirlwind of dates last week.

As for Coach, still no phone call. On Monday, he sent a text telling me that I may expect a bit much from him right now. I was confused, because the last I'd heard is that he was planning to make more time for "us". So I asked him what he meant, as all I've asked of him is communication...no pressure for time. He then responded with "I guess you're right...sorry." When I asked what exactly he was sorry for, he said "not communicating more", to which I said, "There's only one way to correct that!" That was Wednesday. Fast forward to Friday morning, I sent a text telling him good morning in a last ditch effort. Four hours later, he finally responded with "Hey! I hope you are enjoying your down time." Brush off much?? I still tried to stay chipper and told him I was having a girls afternoon including pedis and a movie. *chirp...chirp* And then there was nothing...hint taken. I'm not exactly sure where this possible relationship went south. We were communicating daily for over a month, and our last date went well. Sigh...

In addition to my pity party, I noticed today that MatchMan had deleted me from his Facebook friends. I also noticed he is now in a relationship. I don't know why that bothered me, but it did. It isn't that I want him back, but maybe because it shows that he has moved forward in life, and I'm still spinning my wheels.

Some things never change...

When my high school friend came to visit, it was like we were back in high school again...and I definitely don't mean that in a good way. She drove from a city about two hours away, and she was extremely late due to thunderstorms. When we finally did arrive at the seedy little bar where our other friend was playing, she said, "Oh, there's a parking spot!" So I thought we had found a prime spot on the street. It was raining hard, and I didn't realize it wasn't a real spot until I looked back from the entrance of the bar. I stayed long enough to down one drink and progressively became more worried about my car. When I ran out into the rain to move it, there was a nice wet parking ticket on the windshield. I managed to find a REAL spot on the next block. When I returned, my friend was on her third drink. Soon after, my friend's band was done with their set, and they came to join us at the bar. Apparently my HS girl friend is still quite the hottie for her age, because the men in the band took pictures of her like she was some super model. She continued to down the drinks and started booty shaking to heavy metal music! I mean...REALLY?? I was quite embarrassed and very uncomfortable. We closed the bar down, and she stumbled out to the car (again in the rain). Once on the interstate, my HS girl friend started mumbling, saying we may have to pull over. Next I know, her head is hanging out of the window while vomit streaks the side and windows of my car. I pulled off to the side, so that she could open the door and puke on the ground like a proper lady. I did this twice on the way home. I honestly don't think I've ever had to pull over for someone to puke. She continued to dry heave once we made it back to my place. REMEMBER WE ARE IN OUR 30'S!! Shouldn't this behavior be behind us? I was so relieved the next morning when she left and said that she would be staying with another friend that night. She is still the same drunken attention whore she was back in the day!

In other news, not another word from Coach. Gee, imagine that! Stalker came over Saturday night and watched a DVD. And no...no hot sex...just cuddling on the couch and hand holding.

My week in review

Yeah, the title implies that I'm about to share just this week with you, but I must rewind a couple weeks.

It was two weeks ago today that I had my kitty angel put down. It was also the day that Stalker sent one of his random texts. I'm not sure that I've shared this here, but I hear from him occasionally. He would say hello sometimes, and others he would ask if/when we would ever see one another again. Due to different circumstances, I either didn't respond to him or life got in the way of us meeting up. This is a little of our text convo:

Stalker: When you taking me out on a date?

Me: Shouldn't that be the opposite way? I just left vet office. Had (Kitty Angel) put down today. :'(

Stalker: :'( oh no. I'm sorry. :-(

Me: Yeah...so it's a cryfest right now.

Stalker: I'm a little teary-eyed myself. If I can help in any way, let me know.

Me: Thanks. I'm out with my gay right now. He made all the arrangements bc I couldn't do it.

Stalker: Ok. Keep me updated.

The next day, I sent Stalker a text telling him that he could take me on a date Monday night. And take me on a date he did. We began with miniature golf, then went to one of those fairs that pop up in mall parking lots to eat funnel cake, and ended the night watching Thor in 3D. Because the movie had been out for a while, we had the theater to ourselves. Stalker even dared to cuddle with me during the movie. By the way, this was the first time that Stalker and I had gone to the theater to sit and watch a movie together! Crazy, huh?

Now rewind to about a month or so ago. I was just about to take my profile off POF when I received an email on there from what looked to be a handsome man, who also happened to be a teacher! Jackpot! Part of my dating dilemma is due to my lack of time during the school year and all the hours I put into lesson plans, grading papers, and editing the yearbook. This man would not only understand my schedule, his would be even worse because he is a coach! Double jackpot!! Coach and I spoke on the phone or texted everyday for a couple weeks, before we met at a Starbucks one afternoon. He was impressive, and we clicked. The downside? It was about 3 more weeks before we could find a mutual time to see one another again.

So...all that flashback brings me to my dating life this week.

Monday night: bowling with Stalker

Tuesday afternoon: lunch at Chipotle and dessert at Pinkberry with Stalker

Tuesday night: Fat Matt's BBQ and dessert at Cafe Intermezzo with Coach

Wednesday night: Dave and Buster's with Stalker (he even won me a monkey), followed by hot sex with Stalker...damn I missed his body on mine!

Thursday night: After Stalker's basketball game, he dropped off the new Jill Scott CD...and more hot sex!

It's now Friday afternoon, and one of my besties from high school will be in town tonight to go see the band of another high school friend play at a venue in the city. I'm sure she will spend the weekend with me, so this weekend will be dateless. I think I made up for it during the week, huh?

In sickness and in health...

The Barber and I dated about 5 or so years ago for a few months. It didn't really end too well. We had different interests. I was interested in pursuing my hobbies, such as writing, photography, etc. He was interested in pursuing other women. He was a nice guy...too nice actually so he was always naive to some other women's motives. The Barber soon ended up becoming a daddy not long after we broke it off. I've spoken to him once or twice since then; the last time being about year and a half ago.

I was sitting in a faculty meeting a few weeks ago and received a text from a strange number asking if I was married yet or dating anyone seriously. When I asked who it was, it turned out to be The Barber. The Barber proceeded to tell me that he misses me and knows that we are meant to be together. He told me how much he had grown up and that he wants me to be his wife one day. I found this amusing and intriguing so I agreed to a meeting. We've since gone out a couple times; both of which he was at least 45 minutes late (due to helping some friend/family member out...remember that is the curse of the TOO NICE guy!). We text and/or talk everyday.

This week I've come down with a respiratory virus of some sort. Yet all he could do is complain that I haven't called him all week...that all we've done is text. I kept waiting for him to do the "boyfriend thing" and offer to bring me anything I might need or help me with anything I might need help with. Is that wrong?? Of course, he hasn't. Yesterday, I sent a silly text asking The Barber what was going on in the outside world where the healthy people roam. This fool started telling me what the weather was like! Duh! I've had to take my dog out; I'm well aware of the weather. Then this morning I sent a text saying how draining it was to grocery shop while this sick. He responded four hours later telling me not to over do it. I got snippy and said, "Well,my dog can't do it!" He just LOL'ed me and told me he doesn't want to catch what I have. Pfft...

Funny though...Stalker (yes, we speak occasionally, but nothing new) actually offered to be my errand boy as soon as I told him I was still sick. Something wrong with this picture, or is it just me?

I think I need a more assertive, yet nurturing, man than The Barber. I can't be in a relationship where I have to tell the man how to be in one.

Apologies

Hello! I do apologize for my long absence! The second week of my Christmas vacation, I just relaxed and did a little (and I do mean little) unpacking. The first week back at work was hectic, and I just didn't have blogging time and energy. And the last week or so, I've been hibernating!

I did go on another E-Harmony date just after New Year's. Apparently, E-Harmony has me pegged as BORING! This guy was so dry. We met for lunch, and he didn't even get lunch! He ordered hot chocolate, while I ate. He bored me to tears with tales of his dog. So yeah, it was another pleasant and free lunch due to E-Harmony.

Teacher Man responded to the text I told you about here with "So are you saying you don't want to hang out tonight?" I explained to him I wanted to go on an actual date. He didn't get it, and I haven't heard from him since. Oh well.

I ran into Bookstore Boy last week at...you guessed it...the bookstore. I was just running in to use my gift card and buy a couple books for my hibernation. He followed me upstairs and asked me why I hadn't called or written him on Facebook. I told him that our last meeting was a turn-off, that he is too aggressive, and he doesn't listen to anything I say. I was in no mood for niceties or small talk at the time. It was cold, and I was ready to be back on my couch with a good book. He told me "I don't really care anyway. Goodbye (Sane). Have a nice life." I told him goodbye. He has since deleted me on Facebook. Sigh...

I haven't seen Stalker since he brought my Christmas gift over. I have heard from him via text a couple times. The first time was just before New Years when he suggested I try Craigslist for finding some dates and then told me he never saw us as anything more than friends. Whatever. He then started forwarding ads to me! I told him to leave me the hell alone. Since then he has texted twice to ask how I was doing. I give very little response back.

I did check out Craigslist, but most men on there in my city seem to be looking for sex only. One guy did catch my attention. I responded. We emailed back and forth a couple times and even exchanged pics and phone numbers. His pic was from far away and he had on sunglasses, so there is no telling what he actually looks like. I asked for another pic, to which he responded "I'll send it when I get home." I never did get it. I wrote to him again, asking for it. Again, I got no response. So yeah, dating is non-existent as of 2010.

Christmas Wrap-Up

Tuesday night Stalker sent me a text that began short little conversation.

Stalker: Would you like your gift tonight?
Me: Tomorrow would be better. I'm not well tonight. In serious pain.
Stalker: :-( need anything?
Me: Just rest and ice. Can't walk.
Stalker: Gasp! Oh no :-( Do you need a wheelchair?
Me: Possibly. Just bring the gift tomorrow evening after you get off. I will let you get the cat litter out of my trunk too!
Stalker: K. So you good for tonight?
Me: Yeah. (My gay bf) fed me. Just gonna lie down. Exhausted.
Stalker: Okie doke

Funny how he appears and wants to be helpful the day AFTER the big move, huh?

Stalker came over Wednesday evening when he got off from work, bearing one wrapped gift. He had told me last week that there would be more than one. Being the greedy little girl that I am, I asked about the others. He said there were more to come, but they would have to be house-warming gifts. He lost too much money while off gambling over the weekend, while I was moving and letting my body fall apart! Yeah, not only did he get out of manual labor, but I got less gifts due to this trip. Anyway, this is what he gave me for Christmas. Not bad, but not very personal either. One of The Queens got me two bottles of wine with which I can try this out. Too bad I still can't drink them, since Stalker has yet to replace my wine opener and/or topper! That is another expense I'll have to take on myself.

When I didn't open my gift right away, Stalker joked and said, "Aren't you going to open your engagement ring?" Haha. Funny, right? Yeah, not really. He offered to go back to his office and get the sports ice pack he left in the freezer there, so I could use it on my still aching knee. Of course, I let him do it. I also let him stop and get some food to bring back for dinner. When he returned, he was super attentive and nurturing. He wrapped my leg in the ice pack, asked me if I wanted him to get out a suitcase for my trip to see my family, and even asked me if he needed to take my car and gas it up for me. All my suitcases still had clothes in them from the move and I had filled up my car earlier that day. Funny how he is such an inconsistently available and helpful friend. I guess he is there for me whenever it fits into his schedule. I haven't heard from him again since he left. Can you imagine that?!

Teacher Man and I didn't make our lunch Wednesday. I'm not really sure what happened. I just know that he finally texted me long after I ate lunch. And no, I didn't have an early lunch; I just didn't hear from him until around 3:30 PM. I ate at 1:30 after I got my Christmas haircut. He sent me another text last night to let me know that he would be back in town Monday. He asked if he should bring over a movie and pick up some food. What is the deal? Why don't men actually ask women to go out anymore?

And the trip home. Well, it was...pleasant. That's because the drama inducing aunt decided not to come because she was still angry with her sister. Really, I'm not too sure what the deal is with them, and I try to keep it that way. All I know is Santa was incredibly nice to me this year. I must have been a good little girl. Some highlights were this and this! I also racked up some gift cards to Starbucks and Barnes and Noble. All in all, it was a good Christmas for a not so religious girl with a dysfunctional family.

Old Man Sweater

I met E-Harmony guy for lunch this past Sunday. He definitely did not impress me. I know I'm closer to 40 than I am to 30 now, but I generally am not attracted to men in their mid to late 40's. This guy's profile claimed that he is 45, but he looked and acted more like 55. Ugh. He was wearing an old man sweater over his pregnant belly. You know...those sweaters from the 80's with geometrical shapes all over it? Yeah...not sexy at all...and to top it all off with a pregnant belly. Yeah, you know those bellies men of a certain age develop that are hard? And they have no fat anywhere else on their bodies? Again...not sexy. So I had a nice, polite, FREE lunch Sunday. I think he knew I was disappointed, because I ended the date early and haven't heard from him since. There is a new guy I was matched with this week who looks a little more interesting. I'll keep you updated.

Sunday morning I took an EPT. I haven't mentioned this in the blog, but Stalker was convinced that he had impregnated me! He kept on about babies and superstitious ideas about men sleeping a lot when they have gotten a woman pregnant. He said he had been coming home from work and crashing only to wake up in time for work the next day. I've never heard this, but he was starting to creep me out. I decided to take a test, just to be safe. It was negative (whew!), so I texted him to let him know. This was our first contact since he left my apartment the Sunday before. You know, the Sunday he told me he would be out of town when I move? The text read a little something like this:

According to ept I'm not pregnant with your bastard child. So you don't have to worry about folks finding out about your whore on the side that way anymore.

His response?

Cool. Did you need me to have people come help you next weekend?

I won't bore with the actual details of the rest of the text convo. I'll just tell you that he doesn't understand why he is the "bad guy" in all this. He said that he offered me manpower but I refused. He couldn't understand that I didn't feel comfortable accepting help from some random strangers when he was the one who had offered to do it. He just told me that he thought I was expecting sooo much from him that I was getting hurt by my own expectations. Um, since when is expecting a friend to lend a hand when he offered expecting too much??? But really??? If I can't depend on him to show up to help out, how the hell can I depend on whatever strangers he would send to help?? And how embarrassing would that be? I just told him that I'd already hired movers, and he is more than welcome to help pay! Stalker then said he would help and asked if I would pay him back! When I told I didn't realize that he was offering a loan, he said if I needed a loan or just money not to pay back, let him know. Ugh.

So Monday and Tuesday went by without a word from Stalker. Well, Tuesday night around 10:15, I received a text from him:

Stalker: I have Xmas gifts for you...
Me: It isn't Xmas.
Stalker: In ten days...
Me: Yeah I'm aware. Thank you in advance?
Stalker: When would you like them?

As I was typing a response, he called me. We chatted about my busy week at work like nothing had ever happened. I was already in the bed and let him know this. He then said, "I guess it wouldn't be a good idea for me to stop by then?" I told him no and that I'd talk to him later. Um...I really don't know what to say about it. Guess I'll get those gifts when he returns from his trip with his sister. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention she is the reason he has to go out of town this weekend? She wanted to go with him, and that was the only weekend she could make the trip. Um...yeah.

Still breathing...barely

My, this past week has flown by. Work has been super busy (yay for standardized testing...not!). I've been trying to get ready for the move. I couldn't book the movers for next Saturday (the original move date), because they cost twice as much on the weekends. So they are coming first thing on Monday (12/21) morning. I'm going to move as much as possible in my car and my friend's husband's truck during the weekend though, because I also have to turn the keys to my current apartment in on Monday. Thanks to Stalker, I'm out almost $400 and will be busting my ass until the last minute. But anyhoo...speaking of assholes, he and I haven't spoken since he left my place after telling me he was going out of town instead of helping me move. Yeah, he offered to move me...I didn't ask. Talking about a let-down. He tried to hug me before he left last Sunday. I told him not to touch me. Oddly, it's been easier to stop speaking to him than I thought. That's probably because he not only disappointed me as a man, but as a friend. I really just want to tell him that he is a stupid and selfish LITTLE BOY! A grown man wouldn't have handled this situation by avoidance.

Hopefully, the E-Harmony guy and I will finally meet tomorrow. We have played phone tag all week and finally actually spoke last night. It was, um...awkward. He seemed preoccupied with something else, although he is the one who called me. We shall see...

MatchMan called last night also. I didn't answer. Ex-Coworker continues to text. Don't you love how they all keep coming back?

It has been confirmed...

that Stalker is truly an asshole! Remember how he told me that he and his brother would move me? The move that is scheduled for two weeks from now? Well, tonight when he came by to get his Wii that I picked up for him, he informed me (quite casually) that he would be out of town that weekend. Bet we can all guess where he will be and with whom he will be. Guess we can't even be friends, because I would never leave a friend hanging like that so close to the big day...

It just amazes me that someone who seemed so kind and giving and positive turned out to be such a cold uncaring soul.

So now I have the pleasure of coming up with money to pay movers a few days before Christmas. Fanfuckingtabulous...

Sick...Again...

Yesterday went pretty much according to plan. While I was at the football party, my head began to ache though. It just continued to get worse, so I came home earlier than I'd planned. My face was aching and my head felt heavy. Sinus sufferers should recognize this pain as the onset of a sinus infection. I had been texting with Stalker occasionally since our little dinner date Thursday. I told him he could come over last night and help me pack. He somehow ended up at a party of his own, so he was out much later than I was. He still came by. I was in bed, and he just joined me. I do believe he was a little drunk, because he wasn't conscious very long! That was fine. I felt like shit anyway. Unfortunately, I woke up horny this morning and practically forced Stalker to give me some. Again, we messed up the friend vow! Oh well.

Needless to say, I didn't get up in time to make it to the new church. Once Stalker left, I hopped in the shower. I thought I felt fine until I began my search about town for a Wii. Oh...my head! I had to call and cancel my date with the E-Harmony guy. He understood and agreed to get together sometime this week or next weekend.

My aches and pains didn't stop my search for the Wii though! Wal-Mart has a special going on...Wii's are $199 AND you get a $50 Wal-Mart gift card! I trekked through four different Wal-Marts before I finally found one though! Score! I sent Stalker a text to let him know where I finally found one, because he was planning to catch the deal too. I ended up getting his for him...yes, he's gonna pay me back! So now, I'll be seeing him tonight when he picks up his Wii.

Now I feel worse than ever...the Wii is still in the box.

Busy Busy Weekend!

Thursday night Stalker came over for dinner and a DVD. Things are a little better between us now...less strained and more friendly. We had a nice time, even though his wine cork broke my cork screw! He didn't have a chance to drink his wine because we couldn't get the cork out. Last time he was here, he broke my wine topper/stopper thingy. Luckily, I opened my wine before his Thursday, which means I got tipsy and Stalker didn't! :-) Yay me! No worries...it didn't lead to any sexual activities. We sat closely on the couch with my legs over his lap. That's as wild and crazy as the night got! Oh yeah, Bookstore Boy called while Stalker was here. I hadn't heard from him since the day after he found me at another bookstore. Can we say "ignore", boys and girls?

Last night after work, I had some quality Christmas shopping time with my gay boyfriend. I'll be getting together with all my gay boyfriends before Christmas for dinner and gift exchange. I wasn't really sure what to get two of them, because they are your stereotypically finicky gay men. I'm never quite sure of the borders of tackiness to them! They have these odd collections, and I think I managed to find something fitting for them both.

Today is lunch with a girlfriend and FOOTBALL!!! One of my coworkers is having an SEC Championship party at her house today. You know what that means? Football, alcohol, and food!! We may be hitting the streets after the game.

Tomorrow I'm trying out a new church. I'm not a big fan of organized religion, as folks in the South tend to thump those Bibles a bit too much. I've found a place of worship in my city that welcomes all faiths. I'm checking it out tomorrow. Afterward, I'm meeting up with one of my E-Harmony matches. I'm not sure if he is worthy of a nickname just yet, so I'll hold off on that. Wish me luck!

Oh, and somewhere in all this I have to pack for my move in two weeks!

Why I Fell...

I've been doing a little self-reflection the last couple days. Suddenly, it hit me! I know why I fell for Stalker so hard and quickly! In order to explain it, I'm gonna have to divulge some personal information that I've never shared on this blog. I try not to tell too much about my life here other than dating incidents and experiences, because, well, it's a dating blog! But here goes...

If you notice I got awfully quiet during the first part of this year after I moved. The best explanation for that hiatus was because Sane wasn't so sane during those months. Mid to late 2008 I began struggling financially. I filed bankruptcy at the beginning of this year and lost my house. Some of that failure can be attributed to my own stupidity while much of it was because of outstanding medical bills and continuing medication costs. No matter the reason, it was a blow to my pride and I fell into a depression. I mean, it hurt to come home to this tiny apartment after living in a spacious home that I worked so hard to pay for. Not to mention, I had gained sooo much weight (due to said medication), I lost all self-esteem. I tried to keep a smile on my face and keep my head up, but it all just took a toll on me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I was in a job I hated and that stressed the shit out of me. Said job had also caused the illness with which I was dealing. So basically....over the last couple years, I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into a dark dark depression. I felt like every time things started looking up, I was knocked down even harder. For instance, the day after my bankruptcy was discharged, some juvenile delinquent at my "rewarding" job smashed in the windshield of my car and jumped up and down on the roof of it. He caused close to $2000 worth of damages. I had to pay the $500 deductible, take days off for court (out of my sick time), and never saw a penny of the money he was to pay back. And no, I didn't make the kid angry. I didn't even know the kid! It was random.

Compound all this with a dysfunctional family who can't EVER get along long enough to enjoy a simple holiday, coming home to an empty apartment (well, except my two cats!), and spending my weekends alone, I began to feel so isolated from the world. I didn't go out anymore...I didn't try new things or meet new people. I just became a hermit, really. Actually, the very night that I met Stalker, I almost ended it. Luckily I have a good friend who ended her date to come sit with me and save my life. The last few years (even before 2008) have been so emotionally exhausting, I had forgotten the good, simple, fun parts of life.

Enter Stalker and his chipper, smiling face. He was a positive ray of light in my dark world every time he came around. With him, it was always cup half full, and that appealed to me. I couldn't get enough. I forgot all my worries. He found me physically attractive and couldn't keep his hands off me, which has done wonders for my self-esteem again. I no longer felt ugly, unwanted, and fat. He is active and enjoys getting out and doing fun things, like bowling, putt putt, and horseback riding! I hadn't done all that in....well...never! He became my anti-depressant. He woke me up, slapped me in the face, and said "Why the hell aren't you living life when there is so much to live for??" (Okay, so he didn't ACTUALLY do all that! But he did...) I care about Stalker for so many more reasons than good sex and an occasional laugh. As much as I would love to have Stalker as my very own, I might have to accept that he could have been brought into my life for only one purpose...to save me and make me live again. Hopefully, he will hang around to witness me living life. :-)

Hello, just call me Jacob!

I went to see New Moon last night, and I feel like Jacob. Used as comfort in the absence of the obsession of the object of my affection. But for some reason, I still care, even though Stalker obviously doesn't feel the same way. Unrequited love...it's a feeling that has been written about in books and portrayed on stage and in movies for years, decades, and centuries.

Friday night, Stalker texted me saying, "How bout you give me a massage?" around 11:00. I told him, "Maybe tomorrow." And he responded with "I guess I'll turn around then." I told him that that was quite presumptuous of him to think he could just pop up on a Friday night. He just said, "Ok I'll just take my drunk butt home then." I again responded with "maybe tomorrow". Saturday morning I sent a "Good morning sunshine!" text around 11:00, to which he responded "Morning" at 2:00 PM. I sent back, "LOL. A little past morning!" And then there was nothing...

Around 4:15, I sent him a text that said, "If you still want that massage, be at my place around 11:30 ;). You're gonna need it after (insert football team name) kicks that (insert Stalker's fave team) ass!" Again no response....

I went to see New Moon at 7:00, and we got out around 9:30. I then sent another text asking if his lack of response meant he wasn't coming. He told me he was watching the game with his family. Um...that didn't answer my question! Then he told me he would let me know soon. Way to keep me hanging! Finally, around midnight, he texted saying he wasn't going to make it. WTF??? Why didn't he just say no from the beginning??

I called him and lit into his ass! I think I've reached my breaking point. I care about him and would love to continue what we started. He clearly is trying to keep the door open, but he isn't willing to walk through it. I think he is afraid to feel something real and powerful, so he put on the brakes. I know he doesn't desire "her" the way he does me. Things shouldn't be so difficult. Stalker told me he wasn't sure if his feelings for me were genuine or just lust. That is why he is pushing me away...so he can see what is best for him. I think it's all bullshit. I'm a firm believer that if you are feeling it, go with it. He admitted he was denying wanting to see me and be with me purposely. Why deny what makes you happy and feel good? Feelings aren't always rational and logical. He said no other woman had gotten to him and confused him this way. I'm sorry, but the way he looks at me isn't lust. Wanting to spend time with someone just to hear their voice and see their face isn't lust. We had moved beyond the sex buddies thing and were spending QUALITY time together. Lust doesn't want quality time. Lust just wants to get off.

For you, Stalker...

My Love by Jill Scott

Jill Scott - My Love [New Video]
Uploaded by Yannicklord. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

Yo I'm trippin right?
I heard you got married.
You got married?
That don't really..
It don't really make any sense.
I mean,
it's not like I didn't think you were
seeing other people or whatever
i mean,
i was seeing other people you know what this is
you know what it was
I can't say I really understand though..


Verse 1:
You chose her cuz she's sweet as pie
take what you give even your lies,
but baby are you happy, without me?
she scrubs your back, washes your clothes,
gives you everything that you ask for..
but don't you ever want more? cuz, my love..

chorus: my love is deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher, fire..
didn't u know this? or didn't you notice?
my love is deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher, fire..
didn't u know this? or didn't you notice?

verse 2: mm.
what we had don't need no words
deeper than anything you ever heard
i ain't reachin baby, i know i should be your lady
you say you're happy,
you say you're great,
but you know and i know you really ain't
you need to come be with me
that's the way it's supposed to be..

my love is...
deeper.
sweeter.
ooh oooh ooh
my love. you know know know...
didn't you notice?

cuz all...All I ever do
is think about you baby.
I hold you in my arms, inside my dreams..
And I know what I know, and what I know is
that no matter where you go, you will always think of me, MY LOVE.

(repeat chorus throughout)
ad lib:
you know baby you know
my love is deeper
wider
didn't you notice baby?

deeper
tighter
sweeter
fire babe..


Oh well, I guess I'm off to answer messages from old short men on E-Harmony! :-)

Feed him...he will come (and cum!)

First, I want to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving! I hope you all had a better one than I did! Per usual, my family had a big argument that ruined the whole day. I hate that they upset my grandmother. But anyway...this is a dating blog.

Okay, here is a run-down of the last week or so with Stalker. Of course, last week (Tuesday 11/17), he cut off my sex intake. Wednesday night we tried to go to dinner, but I had a killer migraine, and we didn't make it very far. Actually, we argued because he tried to change our plans for that upcoming weekend. So that night was cut short. Thursday night, he came over after his softball game, and I presented him with his birthday gift. He was just excited that it was in a purple gift bag, because it's his favorite color! Funny, the things that entertain us. Inside that bag was a t-shirt for his favorite college football team, the 1st season of True Blood on DVD, and his favorite candy and gum. He then told me that those were the first and only gifts he had gotten for his birthday, with the exception of a bottle of wine when he visited the "ex". Really??? Just a bottle of wine??? Needless to say, he was thrilled and became quite affectionate. He sat right next to me on the couch, rubbing my leg and kissing my cheek. Um...confusing much? He did leave to go home after a couple hours.

Friday night, I surprised him and took him to one of his favorite sushi spots. Because he didn't know where we were going, he arrived at my place carrying three different outfits and asked me to choose. Once I chose the outfit, he stripped down in my living room to change. Really??? Did he have to wear my favorite boxer briefs and SHOW them to me? Not making this platonic thing too easy! Dinner was nice and comfortable. We were going to go for ice cream at the place next door, but the line there was out the door and down the street. We settled for Starbucks instead. Then we headed back to my place for a DVD. Once we got inside and I put my to-go box in the fridge, Stalker grabbed me as I came out of the kitchen and hugged me. He told me I had given him the best birthday ever. As he pulled away from the hug, he rubbed my hips and sides and gave me that "look"...the look I noticed when I realized we had crossed the friends with benefits line. I wasn't sure what to do, so I said, "Well, let's get this movie started!" I sat in my usual spot on the couch, but Stalker did not. He just paced around my apartment. I finally asked him if he was going to sit down. He said, "I guess so." When he did sit, he sat at the other end of the couch on the very edge of the cushion, leaning forward with his elbows on his thighs. He looked like he was getting ready to jump up and run! He sat like that for close to an hour. I kept telling him to get comfortable, even joking once saying that I wouldn't attack him if he sat back on the couch. He blamed his position on the pain in his legs from playing softball the previous two nights. I'm still not sure if he just didn't trust me or didn't trust himself. Again, the night ended with us talking/arguing about the tension, although there really was none until we got to the couch. He told me that he realized he shouldn't have been so affectionate the night before if we were trying to keep it friendly. He left around midnight.

Monday night rolls around, and I had plans to meet a girlfriend out for bowling. Since Friday night's incident I had only heard from Stalker a couple times via text. I told him that we would be bowling and let him know he was welcome to join us. Honestly, I thought he would bow out, but he popped up at the bowling alley and closed it down with us. He had never met this friend of mine before, and yet he conversed with her more than he did with me! She even noted the tension between us. He didn't look me in the eye, and he definitely wasn't his usual chipper self. After we all went our separate ways, I called him to address the issue. I mean, I'm willing to be friends, but it shouldn't be so strained. He claimed he didn't realize he had gone so far in the opposite direction of our usual "couple-y" behavior but understood where I was coming from when I gave him examples of his unusual behavior.

Tuesday, in an attempt to mend our strained friendship, I invited him to come over for dinner after work. All the food was cooked and ready for consumption when he arrived. We even cracked open a bottle of wine, and things were going smoothly. We were enjoying one another's company again! After dinner, I made my way to my spot on the couch with my wine glass in hand. He followed me with his and the bottle of wine. He sat right next to me...like closer than ever! Again...confused! He put his arm around my shoulders, thanked me for dinner, pulled me to him, and kissed me! What tha???? Make up your mind already!! I didn't make any comments. We were watching some of the first season of True Blood (I've never seen the 1st few episodes), and Stalker began rubbing his stomach...or I thought that was what he was rubbing! I asked if he was okay, and he said, "I have drunk penis". Um...what? He then explained that alcohol makes him hard. I just said, "And here I thought I made you hard." He laughed and told me, "Yeah, it's your toes in the candlelight." Then the conversation turned to the myth that alcohol makes it soft. Of course, under the influence of wine and my extreme horniness, I just had to ask if I could touch it. He told me yes, to my surprise. And that, my friends, is how we had a replay of our last sexual encounter on the couch. As I straddled him, he whined softly and feebly, "But we're not supposed to..." Neither of us stopped.

Both of us had other plans later in the night, so he left soon after, giving me a hug and a kiss. I felt like shit for doing it, even though I thoroughly enjoyed it. I know this will just push him further away.

Free of Blog-Blockers

Since I was so suddenly interrupted by Bookstore Boy while writing my last blog, I'm adding another to continue my original thoughts.

What was I saying? Oh, I can't imagine sex with anyone else except Stalker. I said it eleven hours ago, and I still believe it! I'm not going to get into the details right this moment, but I have spent four evenings with Stalker since his return from the "ex's" state. None of those evenings have resulted in a slumber party or any sexual fun. Actually, most of those times have been quite strained and tense. I'm not really sure what's going on anymore. I don't know if he has lost all feelings for me or if he is going out of his way to resist temptation. I do know that I still want him...maybe more than ever. It pains me to be with him and not know what he is thinking or feeling. But I don't want to lose him from my life either, even if as just a friend. Stalker hurt his knee last week, playing softball. He was still in pain tonight when he joined me and a girlfriend for bowling. I just wanted to reach out and hold him. I know this makes no sense. Not much has lately. I just know that I feel so much more for him than even I thought I did. I now realize that Stalker had awakened parts of me that I thought had died or at least had become numb. I want to nurture him, to cook (what tha???) for him, and to be with him all the time. The feeling is so strong it almost creeps me out!

E-Harmony update: It sucks! Most of my matches don't fall into my age and/or height requirements. What's up with all the old short men?? Yeah, they need love too, but I can't reach down and give it to them!

Today just after my girlfriend and I got settled into our little spot at a different bookstore, Bookstore Boy showed up and made himself at home. Again, he blog-blocked me! And he just wouldn't go away. At one point when my friend excused herself to go to the restroom, he grabbed my thigh and told me he wants to see me again...alone. Ewww...creepy!