Sunday, April 27, 2008

I just wanted to sleep in and avoid traffic!

The next guy I dated in the big city was a bit better! We were seeing each other regularly, at least every weekend for a few months. We had never had "the talk" or know...the "where is this going?" talk. I was just along for the ride and enjoying it.

He and I didn't live very close to one another. It was a good 30 miles or so, as we lived in different parts of the city. So when we did spend time together, it was usually a slumber party! It had become a regular occurance to find me at his place staying the night or vice versa.

One of my coworkers had recommended a doctor to me because I had been suffering back pain. I made the appointment for early one Thursday morning. Well I came to find out that the doctor's office was in good ole Kevin's* neighborhood...just down the street to be exact! Once I realized this, I was ecstatic! It meant I didn't have to fight RUSH HOUR! I abhor RUSH HOUR traffic! I asked Kevin if it would be okay with him if I spent the night at his place so that I could sleep later and avoid the parking lot that is the interstate on weekday mornings. He was cool with it and didn't seem bothered by the request at all.

One lazy Sunday afternoon, Kevin and I were just hanging out at his house, watching TV and cuddling. Kevin suddenly said, "You know that day you have that doctor's appointment? I have to work." I assured him that it was okay because I'm a big girl and could go to the doctor by myself! (Okay, so I didn't give that smart-ass reply, so much.) So he then asked me how I planned to lock his front door. Um, dilemma I hadn't previously thought about!!! (His door only had a deadbolt lock to be locked from the outside with a key.) I told him that I would leave the key under the mat or bring it by his biggie, right? WRONG!! He went OFF! He said, in a nasty tone, "Yeah, sure you will. You will conveniently forget and keep my key! This is just your way of trying to get a key to my house. All this time you've been trying to play house with me and my kids!" (Oh yeah, did I mention he had kids?? Kids that HE invited me to meet!!! I didn't ask to meet his kids or invite myself around them!) I was flabbergasted!! I didn't know what to say! These thoughts had never entered my mind! (If you knew my distaste for most children, you'd be shocked too!) I told him that I didn't know what he was talking about and that I had never even thought of getting his key or 'playing house.' He continued to accuse me of manipulating him and his children. I was at a loss for words. At one point, I told him that if I wanted a key to his house, I would, uh, just ASK for one!! WTF? I didn't want his key and told him that I wasn't ready for that step. He then turned to me and asked, "So you wouldn't trust me with a key to your house?" AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Yeah well, all good things must come to an end....I had to sit on the interstate parking lot early that Thursday morning after all.

* Names have been changed to protect the bitter.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Save the Kitties!

Psycho #1

I moved to the big city when I was 30. Soon thereafter, I met and dated my first "big city guy". We'll call him Herman*. Herman looked EXTREMELY good on paper! He was one of the best good on paper men I've seen yet to this day! He was tall, dark, handsome, and muscular. He had perfectly straight white teeth behind beautiful, luscious, suckable lips. He was an engineer who drove a Mercedes and lived in a sweet kids, no wife, no baby momma...not even a dog! He was intelligent and witty....with a good sense of style. I'm not too sure though just how he treated his momma, as I never had the occasion to meet her.

So Herman and I went on a couple of innocent know...movies, dinner, etc. They were nice. He was quiet, but I thought if I gave him enough time, he would eventually come out of his shell, and I could learn more about him. We were talking on the phone one evening after about two of those innocent dates. He suddenly asked me if I was even interested in sex....said I seemed "rigid." WTF?? RIGID?? How could one assume such a thing after seeing someone TWICE for dinner and a movie? I simply asked that very question....he proceeded to tell me that he had usually gotten the panties to drop after only two dates! Herman shared with me that he had no problem getting the goodies from women...that he had never had to work at it like he had with me! Two dates is work?!?! Interesting...

But silly me....I opted to go out on a couple more dates with him. On the fourth date, we went to my friend's dinner party. There was a lot of food, wine, laughter, and fun! Needless to say, ole Herman was looking particularly tasty after two bottles of Shiraz! We finally found our way back to my apartment after a long drunken tour....yeah, I was too drunk to give good directions...we took a wrong turn. Luckily, I was too drunk to let my naughty, nasty, little freaky girl inside out too! Yep, I passed out and woke up next to Mr. Looks Good On Paper the next morning, wondering what the hell had happened. Even though, there was no bumping dirties, there was a little "get to know you better" pillow talk that morning. We were talking about family, school, jobs, and childhoods. Herman began to reminisce on old times with his brother, growing up. He giggled like a little girl when he told a tale of killing kitties. Yep...killing kitties...."My brother and I used to torture neighborhood cats until we eventually killed them." Did I mention that I own 2 cats?

Uh yeah...that was my last conversation with Psycho #1.

*Some names have been changed in order to protect the crazy.

Good On Paper Men

He is extremely attractive. He dresses nicely. He has a promising career. He has a good credit score. He owns his own home and automobile. He has a good sense of humor. He cooks. He cleans. He changes the oil in the car. He treats his mother like royalty. He is capable of all that any Knight in Shining Armor should be! He is the kind of man you would take home to meet the family! Best of all, he is....SINGLE!! He has absolutely EVERYTHING a woman could want in a man! :) You've found the one. You are floating on a cloud...walking on air...smiling from ear to ear...and any other metaphor for stupidly, ridiculously, giddily happy you can find!

But....WAIT!!! There's something wrong here! Hang around long enough, and you will fall into a well-hidden rabbit hole of bipolar disorders, paranoia, phobias, insecurities, stalking tendencies, scary sexual fetishes, and just all-out CRAZY!! The two dimensional world of paper doesn't always translate well into our three dimensional world of a little place I like to call Reality!