Sometimes Good People Have Sad Lives

Amongst de-junking my apartment, setting up my massage table, consulting with my best friend about her issues with her son's school system, and talking for an hour with my grandmother, I've been watching Brothers & Sisters on Netflix today. In the last episode I watched, Justin was feeling down because he was turning 30 and he was alone. His brother, Kevin, told him, "Sometimes good people have sad lives, but you aren't one of them." I think I may be one of them.

Every man I meet is totally wrong for me. Okay...maybe not every ONE, although I have met some doozies in my dating career! But I tend to mess up the decent ones with my insecurities. I think I have abandonment issues (thanks dad), so with my "witty sarcasm" I manage to push away any man that may have potential. I lash out with accusatory remarks when I feel like someone is "abandoning" me again. Of course, that just pushes people away more. This only happens with men...not girlfriends, family, or coworkers. Maybe I'm so jaded that I just can't believe that the "real thing" exists for me. I know so few TRULY HAPPY couples that it seems futile sometimes, even though I'm about as lonely as one can get. I have trust issues after being lied to time and time again. I am trying to keep my heart open and my feelings honest (sometimes too honest). Just some food for thought. I've been living in my head after watching too much Brothers & Sisters.

And then after all this thought, I read this quote somewhere: “Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”- unknown This is so, so true of me.

More Pity Please?

So I was looking at my label list, which includes all the men I've mentioned in this blog. Of those men, most have moved on while I've been stuck in Singleland. Check out this list, alphabetically of course:*

Doc- He is now engaged to a woman who doesn't live too far from me. I'm not quite sure when the wedding will take place.

Ex-Coworker- He is now in a serious relationship.

FWB- Also in a relationship. I found out that he and his girlfriend had a baby who died at birth a little over a year ago.

KH- In a serious relationship...complete with cute little pics all over Facebook.

MatchMan- In a serious relationship...

PoPo- Serious relationship...possibly married

Teacher Man- He is engaged and the wedding is scheduled to take place in a couple weeks.

young coworker- Got married last November.

So there you have it...maybe it wasn't them, but me.

* Most of the below information was gained via Facebook stalking. Don't judge me!

Pfft...Holidays...

So every holiday that rolls around reminds me how alone I truly am. I manage to stay busy with work during the school year, and the holidays during that time don't seem too bad. I can always use the excuse that I just wanted to relax. But it's summer now, and all I have is time. Today is the 4th of July...everyone is spending the day with family and friends and swimming and cooking out. Where am I? The same place as usual...my apartment. No one has invited me to anything. I know they forget, because they are all involved in family plans. People tend to forget that I don't have that. Oh, how I yearn for it.

This song popped up on my iPod while driving home from the store earlier, and it really hit home.

No food + Jack Daniels + No Company = 1 Stupid, Silly Woman

Okay, it all started with "just one" Saturday afternoon drink. I had big plans to clean my apartment before I watched the football game. It didn't exactly work out that way. Earlier in the day, Stalker and I had spoken on the phone and made tentative plans for him to come over and watch the game with me, because our favorite teams were playing against one another.* About halfway through that first Jack and Diet Coke, Stalker called me again. He said, "Come to Kroger." My reply was "Why?" To which he answered, "So you can meet me there." He then went on to tell me that he didn't think he would make it back my way later in the evening. He said he would probably just hang out at his folks' house, because his mother has been sick...yada yada yada. So I asked again why he wanted to have a Kroger date. He said he wanted to see my face. I told him that I'm sure we will be able to hang out in the next couple days. His response? "So you would rather have no time at all than just a little bit of time to see each other?" I then told him, "I would rather you make time for me and make plans with me, instead of fitting me into your busy schedule for a minute here and there." He said he understood, and then the conversation turned to chit-chat while I poured my second Jack and Diet Coke. His phone began to break up, and he told me the battery was dying. And he was right, because about two minutes later, I lost the call. After approximately 20-30 minutes after that, I received a text from Stalker:

Stalker: :( me phone died. It was nice chatting with you and hearing your voice. ;) i'll contact you later
Me: I figured. :-( My voice is good enough for you?

I got no reply, and I poured a third JD and Diet Coke. My BFF, Angel and Demon had called me the night before, and I missed it. So she was the lucky recipient of a drunk dial from me. Now, this woman is my oldest and dearest friend; she is my sister...the one who knows me better than I know myself. She even posted about me here.

She listened to my drunken babble about work, life, Stalker, and other random shit I'm sure I've forgotten already. To sum it all up, she said "You are falling for (Stalker), and you need to tell him." I interjected and explained that I can't because I knew his "situation" when I agreed to sleeping with him. I expected to be a cougar on the prowl and make him my prey. She said, "I know, but you are going to have to let the wall down and take a chance. He obviously feels something for you too, if he wants to see you for a few minutes to see your face and hear your voice." I get what she is saying. There is definite chemistry there, but no matter what his feelings are for me, they will always be stronger for "her". They have a history and a life together I could never compete with or expect him to just give up and take a chance on me.

While I chatted with my BFF, I'm sure I poured a fourth and a fifth JD and Diet. By this time, the game was on, my team was losing, and my apartment was still filthy! I looked at my FB profile, where I had updated my status to say "(SaneAndSingle) deserves so much more." Stalker had clicked the "like" button! I wonder if he realized that I was talking about him?! I pointed this out to my BFF, and she just said, "He realizes what a good person you are and knows you need more." Again, I understand where she is coming from, but I just enjoy my times with Stalker so much that I don't want to mess it up in any way. I don't want to push him away or scare or make him think he is going to hurt me. I just want it to last for as long as it can. Sigh...after that, the BFF filled me in on her daily drama too. You know we all have it! :-)

When I realized that Stalker's team was demolishing mine, I sent a text:

Me: Can't believe you've had nothing smart to say! Guess you really are busy... :-(


Yeah, I had reached pathetic, sad drunkenness...never had dinner. I don't advise having a date with Jack Daniels unless said date includes a meal. Anyway, Angel and Demon made the mistake of letting me off the phone, only to have yet another JD and Diet. An hour after that last unanswered text, I sent this:

Me: So (Angel and Demon) says I'm falling for you. Have a good night.

Yep, now I'm mushy-I-wanna-express-my-deep-feelings drunk! No worries...I soon became angry drunk! This is the text from angry drunk Not-so-SaneAndSingle:

Me: Ok well fuck you too...and good night.


I immediately thought "Oh shit!" and regretted it, so:

Me: I'm sorry. That was uncalled for even if you haven't responded. I'm drunk...and mad and sad and everything...

Then??? I passed out. I woke about four hours later to see the light on my BlackBerry indicating I had a message (somewhere in there I had silenced my phone). It wasn't Stalker, but some other idiot, who worthy of his own entry at a later date. So, what did I do at 3:13 AM while I'm still drunk and wanting to vomit??? Of course, I did the logical thing! I sent a text to Stalker (still in angry drunk mode, as it tends to last longer!):

Me: You didn't have to lie to me. I know you weren't just hanging out at home w/ fam. If you were, you would've sent text, called, or even come and watched game. :(


I rolled over, not realizing my phone was on silent. When I roll over again, I see the light blinking. I had a missed called and a text from Stalker.

Stalker: Sorry. My phone died. I fell asleep.
Me: Ok. Well I'm drunk and sick. Nite nite.
Stalker: :( can I spend time with you tomorrow?
Me: Yes. Call me in am. If no answer still sleep. Phone on silent to avoid other crazy ppl like me.


I haven't heard back from him as of yet. But the moral of this story??? Don't drink alone, and if you do, hide your phone from yourself!

Ain't No Sunshine...

This past weekend I watched Sunshine Cleaning. I don't know how many of you have seen it, but it left me speechless. And I'm not sure I meant that in a good way. I got it because I thought it would be a fun little dark comedy, but it wasn't. It was dark, almost too dark. Well hell, it was like real life!

These lines spoken by Rose, Amy Adams's character, hit waaaay too close to home for me... "There's not a lot that I am good at. But I'm good at getting guys to want me. Not date me, or marry me, but want me." I have expressed this thought in so many words to friends of mine, but this character summed it up quite nicely. Men rarely want to stay in the "friend zone" with me, nor are they ever "at a place in life for a relationship".* What is it about some women that makes them fall into this category? What makes us undesirable for marriage and/or long term relationships? And before you answer that it could be the way we dress or carry ourselves, please be aware that I am more conservative in my dress than most single women I know. I believe there is a way to be sexy without seeming trampy. I am not a fan of flaunting excessive skin. I don't talk dirty**, nor do I have a reputation for giving it up on the first night. I do like to have fun and laugh, trying not to pressure anyone into anything they don't want. Men have often told me I'm "like one of the guys, but sexier". Um yeah, ok...

Anywho...MatchMan is officially a thing of the past. I'm done for good. Really. Nothing new took place between us. He told me he loves me,***but he can't be the man he needs to be for me. No shit, Sherlock! I figured that out a while back! What took his slow ass so long?

As for Stalker, he is still hanging around. We like to bowl together. And yeah, the tension is gone, because I broke my promise to myself and to you guys. I gave him a taste of the cookie, and he likes it. Yeah, yeah, please no speeches. I'm very aware that it probably wasn't the best decision I've ever made, but let me say it all started with a little too much Jack Daniels in both our systems one Friday night. I was lonely...he was lonely, and now neither of us can get enough. I'm just enjoying it for what it is. Blame it on my inner Cougar.

*conveniently!
**most of the time
***yeah, ok whatever

You see that picture up there? It's very similar to my dating life right now. I've been a woman who has been all work and no play. You know what that means, right? Hell yeah, it's time to get a party started up in this bitch!

RM asked me for a key to my apartment (um, via text), and I LOL'ed (via text). He canceled our Memorial Day plans because his cousin "came in town" and stopped calling. I don't see RM enough to give him a key. I mean, we haven't even had a "What are we doing?" talk!!! Ex-Coworker continues to send naughty texts, only now he wants naughty pics in return, and Don (Juan) is still MIA. I'm so very over the games.

The school year ended yesterday, and I have to work two more days before my summer break officially starts! I need to find a way to shake things up a bit, and I have a couple ideas. Stay tuned...


Sexy song for intermission:

Cassie - Me and You
Uploaded by laostyle84. - See the latest featured music videos.

Will Smith - Switch
Uploaded by J-Ray. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

Is it just me, or does Will Smith not look just so scrumpdelicious in that video? Oh my...

I NEED A MAN!

Blasts from the Past

I apologize for my long absence again! I have done absolutely no dating until recently. And the recent dates have been recycled ones.

First, there was RM, whom I first met 12 years ago. Yeah, you read correctly....12 years ago. He has a habit of disappearing and reappearing every couple years. We met up for lunch a couple weeks ago. Lunch turned into margaritas. Margaritas turned into a movie. And a movie turned into making out on my couch! All in all, it was a nice day. For some reason though, since then we haven't been able to connect due to schedule conflicts (read "he has kids"). So yeah, that's where that stands. It's the same old tune it's been since I first met him.

Next, there is PoPo, the sexy cop. I've known him for about 5 years. He does the disappearing act like RM. PoPo and I went out with some friends of mine last Saturday. Large amounts of alcohol were consumed, and needless to say I remember very little about the last couple hours of the night. I do know he spent the night, and there was no damn nookie!! I curse Aunt Flow!!! So, yeah...I'm still sexless.

Thirdly, another man I met about 10 years ago has called me again. He says he would like to see me again and try to reconnect. We have been chatting occasionally for the last month or so, but we have yet to see one another again. He currently lives about 3 hours away. So again...we shall see...

And lastly, that damn FWB has resurfaced! No, I haven't seen him, but he continues to call. I continue to ignore.

More updates coming soon! I'm trying to get back in the writing mood.

2008

So long, old year! I didn't like you much at all!! :) As a matter of fact, you may have been my worst year! I hope and pray 2009 is kinder!

Pretty Boy and Hot Stuff

A few weeks ago, a strange man in my area added me as a friend on MySpace. Now, I don't usually use MySpace as a dating device. It's really just for fun and to keep up with friends I can't see regularly. But this guy was cute...real fuckin' cute. That's one friend request I couldn't refuse. So we messaged one another a few times, only to learn that he lives extremely close to me. One day, after work, we decided to meet up at the local bookstore/coffee shop. And maaaaaan, he was even hotter in person than he was on MySpace. So we will call him Hot Stuff. He has a great sense of humor and good conversation. He helped me pick out my next couple of reads, while we chatted and drank coffee. The date with Hot Stuff lasted a couple hours. It was one of those nice, easy, and relaxed dates. When he walked me to my car, he said "Good night, little buddy!" as he hugged me. Umm....LITTLE BUDDY??? I just laughed it off and said, "Nice meeting you, big buddy!" He texted me an hour or so later and continued to do so for a couple hours. It was nice. He told me that he thought I was attractive, but that he isn't looking for anything serious. I just told him I was cool with being friends. Whatever happens happens. About two days later, I received a text from him that said, "So when can I come eat your pussy?" I have to admit it made me laugh!!

A few days after I went out with Hot Stuff, I met up with Pretty Boy for Mexican food at a hot restaurant in a hot area of the city. Pretty Boy is just that...pretty! He is a nice guy, but he has very little to say. I enjoyed the date. Again, it was relaxed, fun, and casual. Not too sure if I am anxious to do it again though. Pretty Boy is still calling, and Hot Stuff is still texting, but don't think I'll see either or make any decisions until after the new year. If nothing else, they can be sources of fun for me! ;-)

Kiss Me on My Neck

Um...yeah...this is what I want.

Erykah Badu immortalized my mood today with these lyrics:

I want somebody to walk up behind me
And kiss me on my neck and breathe on my neck

Been such a long time
I forgot that I was fine
Just kiss me on my neck and breathe on my neck
I want somebody to walk up behind me
And kiss me on my neck and breathe on my neck

If you want to feel me
Better be divine
Bring me water, water for my mind
Give me nothin
Breathe love in my air
Don't abuse me
Cause these herbs are rare

If you want to feel me
Better be divine
Bring me water, water for my mind
Give me nothin
Breathe love in my air
Don't abuse me
Cause these herbs are rare

If you want too feel me baby
Better be divine
Bring me water for these flowers
Growing out my mind

Give me nothin' just be gentle
Breathe love in my air
Use me, don't abuse me, love me
Cause these herbs are rare

Ho hum...celibacy is a bitch!

One Is The Loneliest Number

One of my coworkers had a little soiree at his place last night. I did attend. When I first arrived, I knew no one. Oh, I forgot to mention that this guy is a FULL DECADE younger than I am. He invited many of his personal friends along with several of our coworkers. I figured most of his friends would be around his age. Since I knew my coworkers would be there, I wasn't sweating the age thing.

When I first arrived, it was just the young coworker, his friends, and their girlfriends. Ugh....really?? So even the youngins have coupled up? My coworker, who is 10 years my junior, already owns a lovely home with his girlfriend. So I sat and watched the young guys play Rockband while their girlfriends chatted with one another and looked at the latest IKEA catalog. A little part of me was uncomfortable because I knew absolutely no one there except my coworker. Another part of me was jealous that these people 10 years younger than I am had found "the one". While yet another small part of me was relieved that I hadn't spent the last ten years chatting with boring little girls while my man played video games with his buddies. I mean these girls took no part in any of the guys' interests. The guys also played a game called Cornhole, a beanbag toss game which has rules that I'm not sure about. Of course, the girlfriends took no part in it. Why be with someone if you have NONE of the same interests? The girls and the guys seemed to have absolutely nothing in common! I don't understand...maybe that's why I'm single. I want to share interests with my significant other.

Then it was time to watch football! I was all down for that! I'm a huge college football fan. Apparently, these young girls did not share that interest with me. During the game, they got bored and went into the bedroom to watch Made of Honor! How stereotypically girly! LOL So I was left with the "men", watching football. Oh yeah, a couple of my coworkers finally arrived about 3 hours after I did!! *Sigh of relief* But wait!! Their husbands were with them!! I can't catch a break! I was still the ONLY single person in sight! At a party of many, many people of varying ages!

But really, if being a part of a couple means I have to pretend not to have my interests or to be interested in ONLY things he wants to do, I don't think I can do it.

Making Up!

Maybe I blogged too soon! The LD Man finally called. He actually called and left a message a couple hours after my last blog, but we didn't get a chance to speak until today after playing a little phone tag. He addressed some of my insecurities and made me feel much better about things between us. So there is one aspect of my life that's looking up. Now if only I can divorce Mr. Mortgage and start a new career!

Not So Sane

Maybe I'm not so sane, because I have been one depressed little lady lately. I hate my job, I'm broke, and I think the LD Man is no longer talking to me. It's crazy how we seemed to be getting closer and then suddenly....NOTHING. He hasn't called, even though he emailed me two days ago and told me he would. I opened up so much to him...more so than anyone in many years. I thought he liked me regardless of all my crazy sides! It hurts.

I know I'm making no sense, but my thoughts and emotions have been so jumbled the last week. I'm so sick of being alone, so I just sink further into depression. It's a vicious cycle. I need to snap out of it. I find it so hard to trust anyone anymore though.

Sickness, Cabin Fever, and Loneliness

My doctor won't let me go to work for the rest of the week. Yesterday I awoke to a small campfire in my throat! Oh the pain! I managed to crawl out of bed and get ready for work. While driving to work in a torrential downpour, I realized just how badly I felt. As soon as I got into my office, I called and made a doctor's appointment for a couple hours later. I left work early to find out that I have some sort of infection similar to strep. My doctor laughed when I mentioned work. He said, "Haha, you aren't going there until next week!" So I'm stuck at home, miserable. I have very little food and drink. Damn, this is when a husband or boyfriend would come in handy. But nooooo, I have to actually take care of myself! *Off to pout now*

Motions

I want to apologize for my lack of witty dating stories lately. I haven't been feeling witty, nor have I felt like dating. I have, however, been doing a lot of crying.

Days come and go...I'm not happy, but I'm not really sad all the time either. Sometimes, I just feel like I'm just going through the motions of life.

Hot Sex

I was just watching an old episode of Sex and The City. It's the one just after Carrie first cheated on Aiden with Big in the hotel. Her flashbacks to the act are soooo fucking hot! God, that's the kind of sex I want, no need!! That's want I'm holding out for. It's the animalistic, sweaty, got-to-have-you sex. It's been a long time since I've connected with a man like that. If you don't know the episode and scene I speak of, you need to brush up on your SATC.

But here's a little taste for ya!

Mamma Mia!

I went to see Mamma Mia! tonight with one of my girlfriends and my gay boyfriend. The movie was fun (with the exception of Pierce's singing!), but it made me sad and lonely. So much of it was about undying love, and it made me want to gag. My friends, I do believe I've lost hope. And that is the saddest part of it all. :(

Hopes

No matter how much and how often I tell myself not to get my hopes up, it seems to happen anyway. Even when you think you've played the game with caution and not gotten too involved, it still hurts when he lets you down. I'm not really sure how much more disappointment I can take.

I Get Weak...

It's late night/early morning. I'm lonely. Don't think this celibacy stint will last too long. My old FWB keeps trying to bring over some of that hot, steamy, nasty, slow-grinding sex he does oh-so-well! I'm trying to resist....really. But this man has one of the most beautiful dicks I've ever seen, in real life or in porn! Not only is it gorgeous, but wow! he knows how to use it! I can't stop imagining my legs wrapped around his waist...or neck...Uh huh, you gotta lick it before you stick it*....my back arched.......

Ok, I'm going to bed. Alone. Again.

*I'll give you a cookie if you actually know that song!

Wish me Luck...

So I've decided that I need to clear my head. I'm taking this class that is soon to end...thank God!! I'm also looking for a job (ahem...so if you know anybody in the legal field, get at me!). These two things have kept me in a haze.

I want sex....but I don't want sex with just anybody. And there is nobody in my life that isn't just anybody. You following me? I'm thinking I need a real connection with someone. It's been too long. I'm lonely. I'm horny.

So yeah, I'm thinking I'm entering into a self-imposed celibacy phase. Yeah, it doesn't have to make sense, even though it does to me.