Apologies

Hello! I do apologize for my long absence! The second week of my Christmas vacation, I just relaxed and did a little (and I do mean little) unpacking. The first week back at work was hectic, and I just didn't have blogging time and energy. And the last week or so, I've been hibernating!

I did go on another E-Harmony date just after New Year's. Apparently, E-Harmony has me pegged as BORING! This guy was so dry. We met for lunch, and he didn't even get lunch! He ordered hot chocolate, while I ate. He bored me to tears with tales of his dog. So yeah, it was another pleasant and free lunch due to E-Harmony.

Teacher Man responded to the text I told you about here with "So are you saying you don't want to hang out tonight?" I explained to him I wanted to go on an actual date. He didn't get it, and I haven't heard from him since. Oh well.

I ran into Bookstore Boy last week at...you guessed it...the bookstore. I was just running in to use my gift card and buy a couple books for my hibernation. He followed me upstairs and asked me why I hadn't called or written him on Facebook. I told him that our last meeting was a turn-off, that he is too aggressive, and he doesn't listen to anything I say. I was in no mood for niceties or small talk at the time. It was cold, and I was ready to be back on my couch with a good book. He told me "I don't really care anyway. Goodbye (Sane). Have a nice life." I told him goodbye. He has since deleted me on Facebook. Sigh...

I haven't seen Stalker since he brought my Christmas gift over. I have heard from him via text a couple times. The first time was just before New Years when he suggested I try Craigslist for finding some dates and then told me he never saw us as anything more than friends. Whatever. He then started forwarding ads to me! I told him to leave me the hell alone. Since then he has texted twice to ask how I was doing. I give very little response back.

I did check out Craigslist, but most men on there in my city seem to be looking for sex only. One guy did catch my attention. I responded. We emailed back and forth a couple times and even exchanged pics and phone numbers. His pic was from far away and he had on sunglasses, so there is no telling what he actually looks like. I asked for another pic, to which he responded "I'll send it when I get home." I never did get it. I wrote to him again, asking for it. Again, I got no response. So yeah, dating is non-existent as of 2010.

Old Man Sweater

I met E-Harmony guy for lunch this past Sunday. He definitely did not impress me. I know I'm closer to 40 than I am to 30 now, but I generally am not attracted to men in their mid to late 40's. This guy's profile claimed that he is 45, but he looked and acted more like 55. Ugh. He was wearing an old man sweater over his pregnant belly. You know...those sweaters from the 80's with geometrical shapes all over it? Yeah...not sexy at all...and to top it all off with a pregnant belly. Yeah, you know those bellies men of a certain age develop that are hard? And they have no fat anywhere else on their bodies? Again...not sexy. So I had a nice, polite, FREE lunch Sunday. I think he knew I was disappointed, because I ended the date early and haven't heard from him since. There is a new guy I was matched with this week who looks a little more interesting. I'll keep you updated.

Sunday morning I took an EPT. I haven't mentioned this in the blog, but Stalker was convinced that he had impregnated me! He kept on about babies and superstitious ideas about men sleeping a lot when they have gotten a woman pregnant. He said he had been coming home from work and crashing only to wake up in time for work the next day. I've never heard this, but he was starting to creep me out. I decided to take a test, just to be safe. It was negative (whew!), so I texted him to let him know. This was our first contact since he left my apartment the Sunday before. You know, the Sunday he told me he would be out of town when I move? The text read a little something like this:

According to ept I'm not pregnant with your bastard child. So you don't have to worry about folks finding out about your whore on the side that way anymore.

His response?

Cool. Did you need me to have people come help you next weekend?

I won't bore with the actual details of the rest of the text convo. I'll just tell you that he doesn't understand why he is the "bad guy" in all this. He said that he offered me manpower but I refused. He couldn't understand that I didn't feel comfortable accepting help from some random strangers when he was the one who had offered to do it. He just told me that he thought I was expecting sooo much from him that I was getting hurt by my own expectations. Um, since when is expecting a friend to lend a hand when he offered expecting too much??? But really??? If I can't depend on him to show up to help out, how the hell can I depend on whatever strangers he would send to help?? And how embarrassing would that be? I just told him that I'd already hired movers, and he is more than welcome to help pay! Stalker then said he would help and asked if I would pay him back! When I told I didn't realize that he was offering a loan, he said if I needed a loan or just money not to pay back, let him know. Ugh.

So Monday and Tuesday went by without a word from Stalker. Well, Tuesday night around 10:15, I received a text from him:

Stalker: I have Xmas gifts for you...
Me: It isn't Xmas.
Stalker: In ten days...
Me: Yeah I'm aware. Thank you in advance?
Stalker: When would you like them?

As I was typing a response, he called me. We chatted about my busy week at work like nothing had ever happened. I was already in the bed and let him know this. He then said, "I guess it wouldn't be a good idea for me to stop by then?" I told him no and that I'd talk to him later. Um...I really don't know what to say about it. Guess I'll get those gifts when he returns from his trip with his sister. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention she is the reason he has to go out of town this weekend? She wanted to go with him, and that was the only weekend she could make the trip. Um...yeah.

Still breathing...barely

My, this past week has flown by. Work has been super busy (yay for standardized testing...not!). I've been trying to get ready for the move. I couldn't book the movers for next Saturday (the original move date), because they cost twice as much on the weekends. So they are coming first thing on Monday (12/21) morning. I'm going to move as much as possible in my car and my friend's husband's truck during the weekend though, because I also have to turn the keys to my current apartment in on Monday. Thanks to Stalker, I'm out almost $400 and will be busting my ass until the last minute. But anyhoo...speaking of assholes, he and I haven't spoken since he left my place after telling me he was going out of town instead of helping me move. Yeah, he offered to move me...I didn't ask. Talking about a let-down. He tried to hug me before he left last Sunday. I told him not to touch me. Oddly, it's been easier to stop speaking to him than I thought. That's probably because he not only disappointed me as a man, but as a friend. I really just want to tell him that he is a stupid and selfish LITTLE BOY! A grown man wouldn't have handled this situation by avoidance.

Hopefully, the E-Harmony guy and I will finally meet tomorrow. We have played phone tag all week and finally actually spoke last night. It was, um...awkward. He seemed preoccupied with something else, although he is the one who called me. We shall see...

MatchMan called last night also. I didn't answer. Ex-Coworker continues to text. Don't you love how they all keep coming back?

Sick...Again...

Yesterday went pretty much according to plan. While I was at the football party, my head began to ache though. It just continued to get worse, so I came home earlier than I'd planned. My face was aching and my head felt heavy. Sinus sufferers should recognize this pain as the onset of a sinus infection. I had been texting with Stalker occasionally since our little dinner date Thursday. I told him he could come over last night and help me pack. He somehow ended up at a party of his own, so he was out much later than I was. He still came by. I was in bed, and he just joined me. I do believe he was a little drunk, because he wasn't conscious very long! That was fine. I felt like shit anyway. Unfortunately, I woke up horny this morning and practically forced Stalker to give me some. Again, we messed up the friend vow! Oh well.

Needless to say, I didn't get up in time to make it to the new church. Once Stalker left, I hopped in the shower. I thought I felt fine until I began my search about town for a Wii. Oh...my head! I had to call and cancel my date with the E-Harmony guy. He understood and agreed to get together sometime this week or next weekend.

My aches and pains didn't stop my search for the Wii though! Wal-Mart has a special going on...Wii's are $199 AND you get a $50 Wal-Mart gift card! I trekked through four different Wal-Marts before I finally found one though! Score! I sent Stalker a text to let him know where I finally found one, because he was planning to catch the deal too. I ended up getting his for him...yes, he's gonna pay me back! So now, I'll be seeing him tonight when he picks up his Wii.

Now I feel worse than ever...the Wii is still in the box.

Busy Busy Weekend!

Thursday night Stalker came over for dinner and a DVD. Things are a little better between us now...less strained and more friendly. We had a nice time, even though his wine cork broke my cork screw! He didn't have a chance to drink his wine because we couldn't get the cork out. Last time he was here, he broke my wine topper/stopper thingy. Luckily, I opened my wine before his Thursday, which means I got tipsy and Stalker didn't! :-) Yay me! No worries...it didn't lead to any sexual activities. We sat closely on the couch with my legs over his lap. That's as wild and crazy as the night got! Oh yeah, Bookstore Boy called while Stalker was here. I hadn't heard from him since the day after he found me at another bookstore. Can we say "ignore", boys and girls?

Last night after work, I had some quality Christmas shopping time with my gay boyfriend. I'll be getting together with all my gay boyfriends before Christmas for dinner and gift exchange. I wasn't really sure what to get two of them, because they are your stereotypically finicky gay men. I'm never quite sure of the borders of tackiness to them! They have these odd collections, and I think I managed to find something fitting for them both.

Today is lunch with a girlfriend and FOOTBALL!!! One of my coworkers is having an SEC Championship party at her house today. You know what that means? Football, alcohol, and food!! We may be hitting the streets after the game.

Tomorrow I'm trying out a new church. I'm not a big fan of organized religion, as folks in the South tend to thump those Bibles a bit too much. I've found a place of worship in my city that welcomes all faiths. I'm checking it out tomorrow. Afterward, I'm meeting up with one of my E-Harmony matches. I'm not sure if he is worthy of a nickname just yet, so I'll hold off on that. Wish me luck!

Oh, and somewhere in all this I have to pack for my move in two weeks!

Hello, just call me Jacob!

I went to see New Moon last night, and I feel like Jacob. Used as comfort in the absence of the obsession of the object of my affection. But for some reason, I still care, even though Stalker obviously doesn't feel the same way. Unrequited love...it's a feeling that has been written about in books and portrayed on stage and in movies for years, decades, and centuries.

Friday night, Stalker texted me saying, "How bout you give me a massage?" around 11:00. I told him, "Maybe tomorrow." And he responded with "I guess I'll turn around then." I told him that that was quite presumptuous of him to think he could just pop up on a Friday night. He just said, "Ok I'll just take my drunk butt home then." I again responded with "maybe tomorrow". Saturday morning I sent a "Good morning sunshine!" text around 11:00, to which he responded "Morning" at 2:00 PM. I sent back, "LOL. A little past morning!" And then there was nothing...

Around 4:15, I sent him a text that said, "If you still want that massage, be at my place around 11:30 ;). You're gonna need it after (insert football team name) kicks that (insert Stalker's fave team) ass!" Again no response....

I went to see New Moon at 7:00, and we got out around 9:30. I then sent another text asking if his lack of response meant he wasn't coming. He told me he was watching the game with his family. Um...that didn't answer my question! Then he told me he would let me know soon. Way to keep me hanging! Finally, around midnight, he texted saying he wasn't going to make it. WTF??? Why didn't he just say no from the beginning??

I called him and lit into his ass! I think I've reached my breaking point. I care about him and would love to continue what we started. He clearly is trying to keep the door open, but he isn't willing to walk through it. I think he is afraid to feel something real and powerful, so he put on the brakes. I know he doesn't desire "her" the way he does me. Things shouldn't be so difficult. Stalker told me he wasn't sure if his feelings for me were genuine or just lust. That is why he is pushing me away...so he can see what is best for him. I think it's all bullshit. I'm a firm believer that if you are feeling it, go with it. He admitted he was denying wanting to see me and be with me purposely. Why deny what makes you happy and feel good? Feelings aren't always rational and logical. He said no other woman had gotten to him and confused him this way. I'm sorry, but the way he looks at me isn't lust. Wanting to spend time with someone just to hear their voice and see their face isn't lust. We had moved beyond the sex buddies thing and were spending QUALITY time together. Lust doesn't want quality time. Lust just wants to get off.

For you, Stalker...

My Love by Jill Scott

Jill Scott - My Love [New Video]
Uploaded by Yannicklord. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

Yo I'm trippin right?
I heard you got married.
You got married?
That don't really..
It don't really make any sense.
I mean,
it's not like I didn't think you were
seeing other people or whatever
i mean,
i was seeing other people you know what this is
you know what it was
I can't say I really understand though..


Verse 1:
You chose her cuz she's sweet as pie
take what you give even your lies,
but baby are you happy, without me?
she scrubs your back, washes your clothes,
gives you everything that you ask for..
but don't you ever want more? cuz, my love..

chorus: my love is deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher, fire..
didn't u know this? or didn't you notice?
my love is deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher, fire..
didn't u know this? or didn't you notice?

verse 2: mm.
what we had don't need no words
deeper than anything you ever heard
i ain't reachin baby, i know i should be your lady
you say you're happy,
you say you're great,
but you know and i know you really ain't
you need to come be with me
that's the way it's supposed to be..

my love is...
deeper.
sweeter.
ooh oooh ooh
my love. you know know know...
didn't you notice?

cuz all...All I ever do
is think about you baby.
I hold you in my arms, inside my dreams..
And I know what I know, and what I know is
that no matter where you go, you will always think of me, MY LOVE.

(repeat chorus throughout)
ad lib:
you know baby you know
my love is deeper
wider
didn't you notice baby?

deeper
tighter
sweeter
fire babe..


Oh well, I guess I'm off to answer messages from old short men on E-Harmony! :-)

Free of Blog-Blockers

Since I was so suddenly interrupted by Bookstore Boy while writing my last blog, I'm adding another to continue my original thoughts.

What was I saying? Oh, I can't imagine sex with anyone else except Stalker. I said it eleven hours ago, and I still believe it! I'm not going to get into the details right this moment, but I have spent four evenings with Stalker since his return from the "ex's" state. None of those evenings have resulted in a slumber party or any sexual fun. Actually, most of those times have been quite strained and tense. I'm not really sure what's going on anymore. I don't know if he has lost all feelings for me or if he is going out of his way to resist temptation. I do know that I still want him...maybe more than ever. It pains me to be with him and not know what he is thinking or feeling. But I don't want to lose him from my life either, even if as just a friend. Stalker hurt his knee last week, playing softball. He was still in pain tonight when he joined me and a girlfriend for bowling. I just wanted to reach out and hold him. I know this makes no sense. Not much has lately. I just know that I feel so much more for him than even I thought I did. I now realize that Stalker had awakened parts of me that I thought had died or at least had become numb. I want to nurture him, to cook (what tha???) for him, and to be with him all the time. The feeling is so strong it almost creeps me out!

E-Harmony update: It sucks! Most of my matches don't fall into my age and/or height requirements. What's up with all the old short men?? Yeah, they need love too, but I can't reach down and give it to them!

Today just after my girlfriend and I got settled into our little spot at a different bookstore, Bookstore Boy showed up and made himself at home. Again, he blog-blocked me! And he just wouldn't go away. At one point when my friend excused herself to go to the restroom, he grabbed my thigh and told me he wants to see me again...alone. Ewww...creepy!