All Work and No Play

Obviously, I'm back at work. This is it. It will be my last year. I can do it no longer. It sucks my soul, my spirit, and my love of life from me. If I could afford to do so now, I just wouldn't return again. Unfortunately, I'm not in the position to do so. The state has taken over my school under the guise of a grant. The teachers are constantly required to write up reports, crunch data, and attend "professional learning", leaving no time to actually teach. Until this country can get the state of education right and make the children the priority and not test scores, I can't be a part of it. We are teaching students how to take a test, not how to become productive members of society. This was not my goal 10 years ago when I first stepped into the class room. It's breaking my heart.

Why I Fell...

I've been doing a little self-reflection the last couple days. Suddenly, it hit me! I know why I fell for Stalker so hard and quickly! In order to explain it, I'm gonna have to divulge some personal information that I've never shared on this blog. I try not to tell too much about my life here other than dating incidents and experiences, because, well, it's a dating blog! But here goes...

If you notice I got awfully quiet during the first part of this year after I moved. The best explanation for that hiatus was because Sane wasn't so sane during those months. Mid to late 2008 I began struggling financially. I filed bankruptcy at the beginning of this year and lost my house. Some of that failure can be attributed to my own stupidity while much of it was because of outstanding medical bills and continuing medication costs. No matter the reason, it was a blow to my pride and I fell into a depression. I mean, it hurt to come home to this tiny apartment after living in a spacious home that I worked so hard to pay for. Not to mention, I had gained sooo much weight (due to said medication), I lost all self-esteem. I tried to keep a smile on my face and keep my head up, but it all just took a toll on me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I was in a job I hated and that stressed the shit out of me. Said job had also caused the illness with which I was dealing. So basically....over the last couple years, I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into a dark dark depression. I felt like every time things started looking up, I was knocked down even harder. For instance, the day after my bankruptcy was discharged, some juvenile delinquent at my "rewarding" job smashed in the windshield of my car and jumped up and down on the roof of it. He caused close to $2000 worth of damages. I had to pay the $500 deductible, take days off for court (out of my sick time), and never saw a penny of the money he was to pay back. And no, I didn't make the kid angry. I didn't even know the kid! It was random.

Compound all this with a dysfunctional family who can't EVER get along long enough to enjoy a simple holiday, coming home to an empty apartment (well, except my two cats!), and spending my weekends alone, I began to feel so isolated from the world. I didn't go out anymore...I didn't try new things or meet new people. I just became a hermit, really. Actually, the very night that I met Stalker, I almost ended it. Luckily I have a good friend who ended her date to come sit with me and save my life. The last few years (even before 2008) have been so emotionally exhausting, I had forgotten the good, simple, fun parts of life.

Enter Stalker and his chipper, smiling face. He was a positive ray of light in my dark world every time he came around. With him, it was always cup half full, and that appealed to me. I couldn't get enough. I forgot all my worries. He found me physically attractive and couldn't keep his hands off me, which has done wonders for my self-esteem again. I no longer felt ugly, unwanted, and fat. He is active and enjoys getting out and doing fun things, like bowling, putt putt, and horseback riding! I hadn't done all that in....well...never! He became my anti-depressant. He woke me up, slapped me in the face, and said "Why the hell aren't you living life when there is so much to live for??" (Okay, so he didn't ACTUALLY do all that! But he did...) I care about Stalker for so many more reasons than good sex and an occasional laugh. As much as I would love to have Stalker as my very own, I might have to accept that he could have been brought into my life for only one purpose...to save me and make me live again. Hopefully, he will hang around to witness me living life. :-)

I've been a bad, bad blogger...

Hey y'all! I apologize for the delay. I've had internet issues, and I've gone back to work in the last month. Please do forgive me! So I have a lot of catching up to do...

MatchMan is out of jail now and has been for about 3 weeks. Unfortunately, he lost his job while locked up. He has been frantically searching and has even had some interviews, but no job offers! Needless to say, he has fallen into a deep depression. Oh, what a strain on a new relationship! I'm not sure where we stand, and I can't seem to bring myself to leave either. He hasn't exactly been the nicest guy and definitely not the same guy I first met. It's all understandable. I don't think I would be Susie Sunshine if I'd been locked up and lost my means of survival.

He's told me he doesn't want to get too attached to me because he is afraid he is going to go right back to jail. Okay, so I guess I should share why he was there to begin with at this point. It has to do with child support. There's no need for specifics, but if he doesn't find another job (like yesterday!) he's going right back next month. So yeah, there is tension.

In other man news, there's a new one hanging around. During one of my and MatchMan's recent arguments a couple weeks ago, I went to a friend's apartment to visit. Conveniently, her man-neighbor was having a little gathering of other menses and throwing some meat on the grill. One of the bbq goers struck up a little conversation with my girlfriend and me. This young man (yes, young!) was quite the charmer....mmmmm good too! I had a little alcohol in my system, and I was in super-hyper-flirt gear! This young'n told me I looked like a friend of his, and he wanted to take a picture of me and send it to some guy. Being the smart lady that I am, I explained to this hot little young thang that I wasn't in picture-taking form (I looked a hot mess because I had been out running around all day!), and I would send one from my cell to his. Yeah, genius way to get the digits...

So all this guy had after that night was my first name, my cell number, and my place of employment. So how did he find me on Facebook the next day? From hence forth, he shall be called "Stalker".

And in further news, FWB has been trying to get back in the picture. I'm feeling weak! As much as I care for MatchMan, I do have needs. I know how selfish that sounded, but it is true. Right now, I'm not sexually and/or emotionally fulfilled.

Neglect

I know you all feel that I have been neglecting you, but I've really been neglecting myself. I haven't been on a date nor had a naughty episode since I frollicked with Hot Stuff. I've been going through some personal and financial changes, but I'll be up and dating again soon!

2008

So long, old year! I didn't like you much at all!! :) As a matter of fact, you may have been my worst year! I hope and pray 2009 is kinder!

Apologies

I just wanted to apologize for leaving you all hanging with no news. I haven't been in a writing mood lately. I guess that sometimes happens. I've been reading more than writing. I promise some updates before the week's end! Things have been a blur lately, and I've had to step back and reflect again.

Stress, Stress, and I Don't Care!

The meds the neurologist prescribed seem to be working! Yay! I'm sleeping better, and the headaches have been fewer! :) The first night I took the med for anxiety, I slept for almost 12 hours! I woke up long enough to call in sick to work, feed the cats, and go potty! I know...TMI. I spent most of the morning in bed, and it felt absolutely wonderful. I guess I was just tired from not sleeping well for so long.

Still no sex...would like sex. The meeting with the LD Man is quickly approaching. I wonder if he can make me break my vow.

Neurologist News

I had my appointment with the neurologist today. He seems to think that my headaches are stress and anxiety related, so he prescribed an antidepressant in order for me to relax and to relieve anxiety. He also prescribed pain meds for me to take at the onset of the headaches. That's all I have on that subject! Hmmm....

Headaches

I don't usually write about anything too personal on here...well unless you count my (non)dating life!

But I just want to apologize to those for whom I usually leave comments. I've had a difficult time keeping up with blogs lately, because I have been suffering headaches...headaches that make me cry. I finally broke down and went to my doctor. He scheduled an MRI for me tomorrow, and I have the chance to become a victim of a sleep study in the next couple weeks. Yay.

Well anyway, that's why all my favorite bloggers aren't hearing from me as much as usual. It hurts to read and think sometimes.

Let's just hope it's not a tumor! (said in my best Arnold voice!) Sorry, I have to joke in order to restrain the fear. My doctor has me scared to freakin' death.

Making Up!

Maybe I blogged too soon! The LD Man finally called. He actually called and left a message a couple hours after my last blog, but we didn't get a chance to speak until today after playing a little phone tag. He addressed some of my insecurities and made me feel much better about things between us. So there is one aspect of my life that's looking up. Now if only I can divorce Mr. Mortgage and start a new career!

Not So Sane

Maybe I'm not so sane, because I have been one depressed little lady lately. I hate my job, I'm broke, and I think the LD Man is no longer talking to me. It's crazy how we seemed to be getting closer and then suddenly....NOTHING. He hasn't called, even though he emailed me two days ago and told me he would. I opened up so much to him...more so than anyone in many years. I thought he liked me regardless of all my crazy sides! It hurts.

I know I'm making no sense, but my thoughts and emotions have been so jumbled the last week. I'm so sick of being alone, so I just sink further into depression. It's a vicious cycle. I need to snap out of it. I find it so hard to trust anyone anymore though.

Motions

I want to apologize for my lack of witty dating stories lately. I haven't been feeling witty, nor have I felt like dating. I have, however, been doing a lot of crying.

Days come and go...I'm not happy, but I'm not really sad all the time either. Sometimes, I just feel like I'm just going through the motions of life.