Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Why I Fell...


I've been doing a little self-reflection the last couple days. Suddenly, it hit me! I know why I fell for Stalker so hard and quickly! In order to explain it, I'm gonna have to divulge some personal information that I've never shared on this blog. I try not to tell too much about my life here other than dating incidents and experiences, because, well, it's a dating blog! But here goes...

If you notice I got awfully quiet during the first part of this year after I moved. The best explanation for that hiatus was because Sane wasn't so sane during those months. Mid to late 2008 I began struggling financially. I filed bankruptcy at the beginning of this year and lost my house. Some of that failure can be attributed to my own stupidity while much of it was because of outstanding medical bills and continuing medication costs. No matter the reason, it was a blow to my pride and I fell into a depression. I mean, it hurt to come home to this tiny apartment after living in a spacious home that I worked so hard to pay for. Not to mention, I had gained sooo much weight (due to said medication), I lost all self-esteem. I tried to keep a smile on my face and keep my head up, but it all just took a toll on me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I was in a job I hated and that stressed the shit out of me. Said job had also caused the illness with which I was dealing. So basically....over the last couple years, I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into a dark dark depression. I felt like every time things started looking up, I was knocked down even harder. For instance, the day after my bankruptcy was discharged, some juvenile delinquent at my "rewarding" job smashed in the windshield of my car and jumped up and down on the roof of it. He caused close to $2000 worth of damages. I had to pay the $500 deductible, take days off for court (out of my sick time), and never saw a penny of the money he was to pay back. And no, I didn't make the kid angry. I didn't even know the kid! It was random.

Compound all this with a dysfunctional family who can't EVER get along long enough to enjoy a simple holiday, coming home to an empty apartment (well, except my two cats!), and spending my weekends alone, I began to feel so isolated from the world. I didn't go out anymore...I didn't try new things or meet new people. I just became a hermit, really. Actually, the very night that I met Stalker, I almost ended it. Luckily I have a good friend who ended her date to come sit with me and save my life. The last few years (even before 2008) have been so emotionally exhausting, I had forgotten the good, simple, fun parts of life.

Enter Stalker and his chipper, smiling face. He was a positive ray of light in my dark world every time he came around. With him, it was always cup half full, and that appealed to me. I couldn't get enough. I forgot all my worries. He found me physically attractive and couldn't keep his hands off me, which has done wonders for my self-esteem again. I no longer felt ugly, unwanted, and fat. He is active and enjoys getting out and doing fun things, like bowling, putt putt, and horseback riding! I hadn't done all that in....well...never! He became my anti-depressant. He woke me up, slapped me in the face, and said "Why the hell aren't you living life when there is so much to live for??" (Okay, so he didn't ACTUALLY do all that! But he did...) I care about Stalker for so many more reasons than good sex and an occasional laugh. As much as I would love to have Stalker as my very own, I might have to accept that he could have been brought into my life for only one purpose...to save me and make me live again. Hopefully, he will hang around to witness me living life. :-)

10 comments:

jo said...

it must have been really hard on you to talk bout all this even though it might be done so annonymously in the blogosphere. but thanks for being so open. and it does help me to understand your situation and all a bit better. what you had to go through was really a dark and difficult time. and i suppose in some way we have stalker to thank that you found your way back to sanity along the way. he may not be good for you, but he was good for that purpose. and i hope you continue to live your life fully even without him.

Anonymous said...

So much to be said... However, I can't say all here due to wanting to keep some things about you and your life off line.

I'm glad you are looking at the whole Stalker period in a positive light. Most ladies wouldn't.

Love you Honey! *A&DW

You Make My Date said...

This was a great post - your honesty and ability to tell the story so vividly was simply refreshing.

Glad to hear that things are getting better and that Stalker is giving you the light in your life that you're looking for :)

Please keep posting!

Dater at Large said...

I continue to be impressed with your honesty, and I'm so glad that you're on your way up and out of some bad times.

Boyfriend material or not, I definitely give kudos to Stalker for reminding you what a sexy, wonderful woman you are. Don't ever forget it!

SaneAndSingle said...

I want to thank you girls for your support. Some of that wasn't easy to write, as I hadn't really even said much of it out loud to anyone.

Thanks so much! I am a sexy, wonderful woman! :-) And I plan to keep on living my life to the fullest, no matter who may come and go in and out of it!

StudentOfLife said...

I love you, girl, and I'm so happy you've been reawakened!! Should you ever have doubts again, give me a call and check this blog... you are much loved and respected by MANY people!!

crys said...

i completely agree (with everybody) :-)

Roxy said...

thank you so much for sharing that with us. I hope to witness you living your life too as I continue to read your blog.

Slimgoody05 said...

Glad to hear that you are starting to get your life back on track. :-)

Non Sequitur Chica said...

Sorry that it took so long to comment.... It was really brave of you to write about your struggles.

Even if Stalker doesn't stay in your life, I hope that you take his energy and use it to go and do the things that you have found so much fun to do with him! It's easy to become a hermit; harder to put yourself out there and meet new people. But it's worth it!