Effed up again!

As I've mentioned, I've allowed Stalker back into my life again. I told him and myself that I wouldn't get attached like I did last time. I do enjoy his company and the sex. We have a great time together no matter what we are doing. But intellectually I know that there is no future there. He won't allow it. Just as I said in my last post about the men from my past, they feel for me but won't allow anything deeper to progress past the casual.

Stalker came over for taco and margarita night last night. Before the main course, we had a little appetizer...in my bed. We followed the dinner with a little dessert of chocolate syrup and dick. Then we went for round three...yeah, round three!! Wow...just wow is all I can say! It's addictive. I woke up late today, still thinking about it, and that's probably because I could still feel it in my vagina. I wanted more. But I know it's illegal to keep a man as your sex slave.

I sent him an innocent enough text letting him know that he left his coupon books (don't ask) behind at my apartment. He asked if he could come by tonight and get them. Unfortunately, I'm meeting with the gays to plan a going away party for one who is moving away at the end of the month. So I suggested we go to a movie tomorrow night. Of course, he said he couldn't, because his weekends are "reserved for family time". I knew this, but for some reason it gets to me, and I continue to "test" him. I don't know why I do this to myself. It just brings back all the insecurities from two years ago when he was first in my life. I need to learn to relax and enjoy the moment. Instead, I started asking all these questions, which in turn, lead him to say I was getting "weird" and acting like we are a married couple. I told myself when he wanted back in my life that I wouldn't do this again...push for more than I know he can/will give. Part of it is that I'm jealous that he has family and I don't. It gets lonely when you're single and have no one to lean on.

Sexy Song for Hump Day!

Happy Hump Day!!




Say Yes by Floetry

[intro]
see i been watchin you for a while
your smile and stuff
but i dont know if i can be wit you for tonight alright
is that alright baby, baby

[Verse 1]
There is only one for me
you have made that a possibility
we could take that step to see, um
if this is really gonna be,all ypu gotta do is say yes

[Chorus]
all you gotta do is say yes
dont deny what you feel
let me undress you baby
open up your mind and just rest
i'm about to let you know you make me so
all you gotta do is say yes
dont deny waht you feel
let me undress you baby open up your mind and just rest i'm about to let you know
you make me so, so, so ,so ,so ,so,so,so
you make me so, so, so,so so, so ,so,so uh

[Verse 2]
loving you has taken time (taken time)
but i always knew you could be mine
i recognize the butterflies inside me tonight(tonight)
all you gotta do is say yes

[repeat chorus]

[ad lib to end]

Are Men Recyclable??

So the last couple days have been interesting...interesting indeed. Four men from my past have contacted me...via text of course. Because who is actually brave enough to dial a woman's number after screwing her over?!

First, there was Old Friend. I don't believe I've ever discussed him here before. He was a part of my life back in my 20's. We met online, then met in person, hated one another, had great sex once or twice, and have remained in contact on and off since then...yeah, for about 12 years. Old Friend has told me a couple times over the past few years that he believes that he and I are meant to be, but the timing has never been right. Yeah, I know...excuses, excuses. He currently lives about a 2 hour drive from where I live. This is all due to the fact that he has been unemployed. You see he has a journalism degree...not a good look in times of the world wide web. Anyone can be a journalist! So he has been working little part time gigs here and there but can't seem to find anything steady. He told me he has been expanding his search into other areas, and that he really wants to move back into my area. He also said once he has a steady job, he plans to be with me. Hmm...

FWB has been a Facebook friend all this time, so we have kept tabs on one another via Facebook stalking. We shot a couple messages back and forth over the weekend. In the end, I went off explaining to him about how he disappointed me and that I had wanted and expected so much more. It was therapeutic in a way. It may not have affected him much, but I think it helped me. Yesterday, FWB sent me a text asking if I still want more from him. I laughed and asked if he was offering. He said, "yes, are you accepting?" He then went on to tell me that he is currently at the beach but didn't bother to let me know when he would return. I'm not sure how to take this.

I awoke to a text from MatchMan this morning, telling me we need to talk and to call him when I woke up...duh...the text itself woke me! He wanted to explain to me why we were no longer friends on Facebook. He said his girlfriend had gotten in his account and deleted me. All I could say to this was, "Way to be a man and let your woman control you!" I won't deny that it hurt. I still and probably will always have a soft spot for MatchMan. We talked for a while and caught up. It was kind of awkward.

ThugPassion was a man I also knew in my 20's, long before this blog was ever born. He and I had a little fling...that lasted over several years. There was obvious chemistry but little maturity on either of our parts. Neither of us communicated well, and we both had walls around us that hot sex couldn't pull down. I learned a few years back that he had gotten married. Yesterday, I logged into my messenger (which I hadn't used since about 2007), and he was on there! We had a nice little conversation and got a little closure to our old situation. He admitted he always has a thing for me but could never let himself go and love me. This seems to be a trend with me? Why has been so difficult for the men in my past to let go and be with me...truly be with me?

More Pity Please?

So I was looking at my label list, which includes all the men I've mentioned in this blog. Of those men, most have moved on while I've been stuck in Singleland. Check out this list, alphabetically of course:*

Doc- He is now engaged to a woman who doesn't live too far from me. I'm not quite sure when the wedding will take place.

Ex-Coworker- He is now in a serious relationship.

FWB- Also in a relationship. I found out that he and his girlfriend had a baby who died at birth a little over a year ago.

KH- In a serious relationship...complete with cute little pics all over Facebook.

MatchMan- In a serious relationship...

PoPo- Serious relationship...possibly married

Teacher Man- He is engaged and the wedding is scheduled to take place in a couple weeks.

young coworker- Got married last November.

So there you have it...maybe it wasn't them, but me.

* Most of the below information was gained via Facebook stalking. Don't judge me!

Pfft...Holidays...

So every holiday that rolls around reminds me how alone I truly am. I manage to stay busy with work during the school year, and the holidays during that time don't seem too bad. I can always use the excuse that I just wanted to relax. But it's summer now, and all I have is time. Today is the 4th of July...everyone is spending the day with family and friends and swimming and cooking out. Where am I? The same place as usual...my apartment. No one has invited me to anything. I know they forget, because they are all involved in family plans. People tend to forget that I don't have that. Oh, how I yearn for it.

This song popped up on my iPod while driving home from the store earlier, and it really hit home.

To Coach or Not to Coach?

Coach finally called me yesterday afternoon. Of course, it took a goodbye text from me to get that. My text said, "I'm throwing in the towel. I've read He's Just Not That Into You...lol. And obviously, you're not anymore!"

When he called, he tried to explain that he is indeed interested, but his schedule this summer was much worse and crazier than ever. He also explained that he is having a few financial difficulties, so he has been more stressed out than he has been in a while. He asked me if we could continue to talk and get to know one another. I'm not sure if this would be a waste of my time or not.

PMS Blues

This week, the main staple of my diet has been ice cream, followed closely by Jack Daniels and wine. Healthy, right? I'm blaming it on my hormones. Stupid stupid PMS. I've been a sad excuse of a human this weekend...gluttonous I've been. Pity party all around! In addition, I'm coming off a dating high from last week.

Remember last week? It seems so long ago. Unlike last week, this week has been dateless, unless you count last Saturday when Stalker came over to watch a DVD and Tuesday when he came over for a little bon voyage nookie before he took off to LA for the rest of the week to visit his old college buddy. That is it...seems so boring (not that Stalker nookie is ever boring) after my whirlwind of dates last week.

As for Coach, still no phone call. On Monday, he sent a text telling me that I may expect a bit much from him right now. I was confused, because the last I'd heard is that he was planning to make more time for "us". So I asked him what he meant, as all I've asked of him is communication...no pressure for time. He then responded with "I guess you're right...sorry." When I asked what exactly he was sorry for, he said "not communicating more", to which I said, "There's only one way to correct that!" That was Wednesday. Fast forward to Friday morning, I sent a text telling him good morning in a last ditch effort. Four hours later, he finally responded with "Hey! I hope you are enjoying your down time." Brush off much?? I still tried to stay chipper and told him I was having a girls afternoon including pedis and a movie. *chirp...chirp* And then there was nothing...hint taken. I'm not exactly sure where this possible relationship went south. We were communicating daily for over a month, and our last date went well. Sigh...

In addition to my pity party, I noticed today that MatchMan had deleted me from his Facebook friends. I also noticed he is now in a relationship. I don't know why that bothered me, but it did. It isn't that I want him back, but maybe because it shows that he has moved forward in life, and I'm still spinning my wheels.